Getting back after it

Well, my transition to "off-season" running didn't go as well as I had hoped. What I meant by that is that I didn't keep my running up as much as I would have liked. My intention was to stick to 2-3 times out a week, but I wound up doing more like 1 time a week, due to a combination of factors - climate, softball playoffs (I HATE the way our league schedules them), other scheduling matters, and most recently this past week, illness, as I caught a rare August cold. Other than the week of softball playoffs, the weather was probably the biggest driving factor. It continued to be such a crazily warm summer, and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to plan my schedule to fit in on the decent days, virtually every day I scheduled a run wound up being one of those mornings where when I woke up, it was already 75 and really humid out. Had I been in a rhythm, I think I could probably have fought through a few of those days, but it was just too easy to wait for the next opportunity.

But now, the time has come to begin thinking about training again, as I am but 2 months away from my next planned race, the Falcon Fun Run at Messiah's homecoming on October 16. Back when I started all of this, the plan was for this race to be towards the end of a running season that would run from spring until late fall - now it's to be the beginning of my "second" season, which will run from fall through early summer.

I'm switching my training plan to methods prescribed by Jeff Galloway. Galloway is well-known for his training methods, particularly at the longer distances, and most notably the "walk/run" method, which utilizes walk breaks, even while racing. This also applies to his methods at the 5k/10k level, though the paces I've already run at the 5k level are getting close to the end of where I would be walking during a race. His training plan was attractive to me over my prior plan for a few reasons:

#1 - In general, his approach favors dialing back the intensity slightly and increasing the length of the workout, relative to what I was doing with my old setup. I've already done some of the workouts he details, and I find I enjoy the long runs much more - and the speed work is more managable as well.

#2 - This plan includes workouts designed as "race rehearsals", where I will actually run at shorter, building distances at/near my intended race pace.

#3 - This plan only does 4 day a week running - the other did 5, though one day was very light, and I was just never able to fully make that work. 4 running days also leaves me a desired 3 days a week for strength training, without mixing the 2.

Starting tomorrow, I'll spend the next 2 weeks easing back into a more regular running schedule, and then start "real" training on August 30th. I had hoped to maintain more of my form through the summer, but at this point, I'm guessing that getting ready for this first race will be more about recovering the conditioning I've lost (and shedding the few extra pounds I've put back on) than really advancing my speed significantly. Training for this race will also meet the schedule challenge of a week's vacation in California (including several days camping at altitude) during the 2nd week, and an extended weekend in South Bend, Indiana the weekend before the race - but I shall press on!

Galloway has a 5k training plan for breaking 20 minutes and one for breaking 25 minutes - neither of which fits my immediate needs. He makes the methodlogies for determining the pacing of workouts in the plans pretty clear, so I'll be using the workout schedule for the 20 minute goal, but with workout paces designed more for a 22:30-23:00 time. As I get ready to get back at it, my only firm goal for the October race is to better my PR of 24:27 from the Armed Forced Day 5k back in May - as training begins and progresses, I may set more lofty goals.

Well, that was a kick in the head (for reals)

I've had my share of injuries playing softball through the years. There are ones you expect, that just come with the territory. Examples of these would be a bruise from having a ball hit part of your body, and scraping up your legs from sliding or diving for a ball. Pretty commonplace, nothing to be concerned about. You might even get banged up from colliding with another player.

You do not, however, expect to get kicked in the head playing softball, and you especially do not expect said kick to come from a player on your own team, but alas, that is what happened. Let me allieviate any concern right away - this happened almost 2 hours ago now, and I'm pretty certain that I'm no worse for the wear except for a sore neck, that will likely be be more sore tomorrow.

So, here's how it happened. We were playing our playoff game, I was playing third base, as is my custom. There was a hit to the outfield. I don't remember the specifics, but the bottom line was that a runner was coming to third, and a throw come in from the outfield, rather wildly, to try and throw him out. I had to scamper off the base and make a pretty good stab to keep the ball in front of me. Because the runner saw how bad the throw was, he didn't stop right on the base but kept going around. As he saw I caught the ball, he stopped and went to dive back to the base, and I dove back into the bag to try and tag him. I was too late, and just as my glove hit the ground, I felt a "thud" on the back of my head, and I dropped down to the base.

As it turned out, our shortstop had come running in towards third. I'm not sure if he had been coming that way thinking he would get the ball if I missed it, or if he was trying to get to the bag to give a throw. Regardless, when he saw the runner diving into the base, he evidently tried to jump over him, and succeeded, but he did not succeed in jumping over me. Thus, I received a "nice" kick to the head.

I laid there, head on the base, pretty sure I was okay, but not wanting to get up until I was pretty certain of it. I never lost concisousness, though I gave our shortstop quite a scare, because while I laid there, I apparently had my eyes closed, and since I didn't move, he thought I was out. But I wasn't, I was completely awake, aware of what had just happened, what was going on in the game, etc, and after a few minutes of recovery, I returned to my position and the game continued.

I felt about cloudy for a while - after all, I had just been kicked in the head. However, by game's end (there was only another inning plus), that had all pretty much cleared out. I had my teammate check my eyes, nothing was dialated, and so I was without any of the symptons that I'm aware of for a concussion. Actually, given the nature of the hit, and how I felt immediately afterward, I think my neck took more of the pressure than my, which is why I expect to be sore in the morning.

All in all, a rather different softball experience, and now I can use the phrase "That's a kick in the head" as someone with experience! If only we had won the game...

Charting a new course

So, I've come to a "new" realization in the last few weeks: It gets really, really hot in the summer.

Okay, so, not exactly groundbreaking, I realize. In fact, it's something I already knew very well - it's just taken on a different meaning for me this year. You see, for the past several years, dealing with the summer heat basically meant dealing with a warm commute to work and toughing out the occasional softball game during a scorcher. Not the most fun in the world, but not really a big deal. Something changed for this year, and that, of course, was the fact that I took up running, which, as you know, generally takes place outdoors.

This ramifications of this realization began to take shape two Saturdays past, when I ran a 5k in my hometown of Shippensburg. This was to be an "experience" race anyhow, in that I wasn't going to be gunning at a particular time goal - and that was really for the best, because as the race approached it was clear it was going to be a really hot day, like around 90 for the high hot (though not as bad as this week). 2 things about the race exasperated the problem. First of all, the race was scheduled for 10 am. Now, I've not been racing very long, but it seems to me that waiting until mid-morning for a race start in the summer is just not a good idea. My first race started at 8:00 am, and had this one been the same, we could have had it about 10 degrees cooler than the 80 degrees we got. As a reference, the book I'm reading on a new training approach I'm looking to transition to considers anything above 60 to be adverse conditions, in terms of your ability to run your best time.

Secondly, apparently these race organizers don't know what distance a 5k is actually supposed to cover. 5 kilometers is roughly 3.1 miles. The night before the race, I drove what I roughly understood the course to be, without knowledge of where the exact start and finish would be. What I drove measured out somewhere over 3.3 miles, so I figured the start and finish would fall somewhere that would cut off the extra .2. When I got there Saturday morning, the start/finish line was actually positioned to make the course at least a tenth of a mile longer than what I had driven, so the race was going to be more like 3.5 miles than 5k.

I went out pretty slow, but the heat was just brutal (there was zero cloud cover and minimal shade on the course to offer any relief), and by about 2 miles I was feeling pretty spent. It was just an experience race, like I said, and I decided that what I wanted to experience was having a decent finish, so I walked for about a half a mile and then put on a very strong finish - came across in about 31 minutes, which translates to more like 28 for an actual 5k. Not exactly stellar, but I accomplished my only real goal of not having a completely miserable day that made me never want to run another 5k :-)

Anyhow, as you know if you live in the area, the week after the race we caught a stretch of spring-like weather, and I resumed my training with new vigor. And then, the heat wave hit. I'd already switched my workouts back to the mornings to deal with the rising temperatures, but lately we've consistently had overnight "lows" in excess of 70 degrees, so even if I get out before 5:30 am like usual, it's still already very warm, and you get the added humidity of the morning to go with it. Now, I see people running all the time anyhow, and if I was just doing easy running/long running, I could probably continue without issue, and just slow the pace down, but I find speed work in this mess to be absolutely brutal - and it's not the most fun thing to begin with. It also doesn't help that I play softball, and the last thing I want to do after playing 2 softball games on a 90+ degree night is go to bed and then get right up and run in more warm, humid weather the following morning.

So I've made a decision - full-scale training in mid-summer may work for some, but it is just not for me, and continuing to push at it is only likely to discourage me altogether. I also would like to remain active in softball and other recreational summer activities going forward, which are at odds with training as well - both from a perspective of taking energy away from training, and from posing extra injury risk. I've been through a winter already, and while there were some issues, I much preferred training in the cold to training the in the heat. There's just so much more you can do to combat the cold as opposed to what you can do when dealing with heat - and the activity of running itself is your ally in cold weather. There was actually only 1 day this winter where I skipped a planned run because I thought it was too cold, and I wasn't really even training for anything at that point, so it was easier to make those kinds of concessions because there was less motivation. February was kind of a rough month due to the 3 massive snow storms, but this wasn't a typical winter for our area in that regard.

All of that being said, at this point, I'm officially declaring myself to be in my running "off-sesaon." The race I was planning on running on August 14th in Mechanicsburg has been downgraded from a goal race to an experience race, with the potential for forgoing it entirely if it's a brutally hot day. Instead of full training (4 days a week, with 2 days dedicated to some form of speed work, 1 long run and one easy run, with each week getting progressively more difficult) aimed at improvement, I will simply look to maintain as much of my current level of conditioning as possible with a lighter schedule that will stay consistent rather than building week to week, with more cross-training as well. Come the end of August, I'll plan to begin full-scale training for the Falcon Fun Run at Messiah's homecoming on October 16, and then look to continue training and racing through the late fall and winter, into late spring/early summer, before hitting the "off-season" again next summer.

So, you live and learn, and you make adjustments. I had a plan, the plan is now changing, and may change again in the future.

What have I become?

Okay, so the simple fact of that matter is that if you'd have told me any time up to about a year ago that I'd be doing any kind of running on a regular basis, let alone training for and running 5k races, I'd probably have laughed at you. I've gone through most of my life believing that I hated running, and that short of some sort of health issue that left me with little other choice, it would never be something I would get into.

That being said, on Sunday I had what is probably the biggest "who is this person?" moment that I've run across to date in my running life.

First, some background - as you know if you keep up with this blog (which, let's be honest, isn't a dreadfully time consuming task these days), a few weeks ago I began round 2 of my training schedule, prepping for the "Run for Reading" 5k in Mechanicsburg on August 14th. What you may not realize is that there was a rather noteworthy climate shift between the time I completed my serious training and started to taper for my first 5k and when I went to pick up training again - good old southcentral PA summer weather had crept around, which meant I was encountering 85 degree heat with accompanying high humidity, when previously I had been predominantly dealing with maybe 65-70 degree, relatively dry weather as the worst case scenario.

Anyhow, I was able to get through the main part of training that week - I was running in the evenings at/around sundown, so that blunted some of the heat issues, though I was certainly feeling it. When the weekend came and it was time for my 5 mile run, however, it was a different matter. I tried to run on Saturday morning - got out at maybe 9, thinking that would be good enough to beat the serious heat of the day - and it was. However, it was already 75 degrees, with humdity probably up in the 80% range, and the sun was out and just beating down. A 5 mile run at the pace I was planning to run ordinarily wouldn't have been much of anything to me at this point, but about a mile and a half in, I knew I was in trouble. It didn't help matters that I went out slightly faster than I had planned, but I don't think that was really the issue - I was just not prepared for the conditions. I toughed it out, but ultimately I was bonking with pretty much nothing at my disposal to remedy the situation, so I pack it in after a disappointing 3.5 miles.

Overall, I was really discouraged by the workout, and with the weather forecast not looking much different for the next several days (except for when it would rain), I wound up not going out at all for the next week. By the end of the week, my resolve was back and I prepared to get started up again in the week to come - with one notable change - I would move my workouts to the early morning, which is how I had started out, until the middle of winter when it was just to cold. So, I had come full circle, as I was now finding it too hot to run after work. Running in the morning is also helpful now that softball season is in full swing, because I can't really run in the evening on game nights.

The schedule change worked quite well through the week, which brought me to the weekend and my next attempt at a longer run. I was resolved to do a few thing differently this time, which I expected would help. First was to increase the frequency with which I took in water, to compensate for the extra I was losing due to conditions. Second was to bring some sports drink along, to replace some of the things I was sweating out besides just water. Lastly was to be absolutely sure to keep my early pace under control.

However, there was still the matter of conditions - and Sunday was looking an awfully lot like the Saturday of my ill-fated last attempt. All of which leads me to the "who is this person?" moment - I decided to set my alarm for 5:15 on a Sunday morning so I could get out before the sun was all the way up. When I took off, it was only 68 degrees, but weather.com actually said it was 100% humidity. It was actually rather cloudy, so the sun wouldn't have been a major issue anyhow, but I'm still glad I got out really early. The run went markedly better than my prior attempt, and I completed a full 5 miles at a pace I was pleased with, though I did run the last 2 miles on flatter terrain than I usually would because I was starting to feel it and I wanted to make sure I covered the distance.

Really, I think the "who is this person?" moment came after the run, when I had showered, replenished fluids, and had something to eat - at which point I laid down to take a nap before church. That kind of blew my mind. (Don't worry though, I didn't let that interfere with my more standard post-church nap... )

The gameplan, round 2

Well, the LOST finale has started, but I don't want to watch commercials, so I'm killing time for a few minutes before starting it off the DVR, and so I thought it was probably time to get my training goals for round 2 set down. Lucky you, my special handful of readers :-)

Anyhow, this week was designated as an easy week, and it turned out to be much easier than initially planned. I followed through with running a mile time-trial on Tuesday on the course that has more inclines to it, as I mentioned in a previous post, and came up with a 6:35 that I was very pleased with. My intent was then to run a two-mile trial on Friday night, and then go 4-5 miles today. However, I wound up doing some fasting this weekend, and I figured serious exercise isn't probably the best idea when you're not eating much, so I put those plans on hold.

Anyhow, this coming week will bring the resumption of training. I have previously mentioned the major tweaks to my approach this time out, and there's another one or two I will mention in the details here.

Speed Intervals
Starting objective: 4 intervals, all run in 1:25 or less
Final objective: 7 intervals, all run in 1:25 or less

This is one of my minor tweaks. The training plan itself calls to start at 3 and go to 6 intervals by the end of the schedule. I could do that, with a goal to get much faster this time out. However, I'm already intervaling at or just above the pace I've read I need to look at if I want to get to my long term goal, so it's more important to be able to add intervals rather than speed them up. I don't need more top-end speed, I need more ability to sustain it. I'd like to be able to get to 8 intervals by the end of the 3rd cycle, so I'm planning on going from 4 to 7 with a slight time drop this time, and then just look to go from 5 to 8 with a similar time in the 3rd cycle. You'll note, as opposed to last time, I'm not looking to drop my times over the course of training - I discovered last time that's just not that realistic. I'm adding an interval at least once every two weeks, so that's all I can really ask - trying to go faster at the same time isn't helpful.

Midweek 2/3 mile runs
Starting objective: 2 miles at 8:20/mile pace
Ending objective: 3 miles at 8:10/mile pace

Again, I could do these faster if I wanted, but it would wind up creating problems with my more important workouts, mainly the tempo runs. I proved that point to myself last cycle, when about week 5 I was feeling really good and wound up going 8:05 pace over 3 miles, which was a good 25 seconds better than I was supposed to run - it led to a couple of subpar workouts in a row until I took some extra rest. 8:20 is about what I was able to do very comfortably at the end of the last training cycle, and I'm really not looking to go much faster with these.

Tempo runs
Starting objective: 30 minutes total, 15 minutes fast (7:25/mile pace)
Finishing objective: 40 minutes total, 20 minutes fast (7:15/mile pace)

At first glance, if you saw my first cycle objectives, it looks like I'm taking a step back. I met my goals and was tempoing at/under 7:10/mile by the end of the first cycle. However, there are a couple mitigating factors here - mainly the change of venue. I'm moving from my half-mile loop, which is pretty flat and may be a bit short, to my mile loop, which has more hills to it, and is definitely at least the length I'm counting it as. Also, I think I was previously tempoing too fast. Given my mile time of 6:35 on the same course, 7:25 is an appropriate tempo pace. We'll see how it goes. Regardless, the change of terrain should make these runs much more indicative of what I would be able to do comfortably on a moderate 5k course.

Long runs
Starting objective: 5 miles, 8:45/mile pace
Finishing objective: 7 miles, 8:30/mile pace

Nothing too fancy here - my last long run of cycle 1 was 7 miles at an 8:37 pace. If I can take these runs a bit faster comfortably, I will, but I'm not looking for crazy improvement here, because pushing these runs will, again, negatively impact my speed/stamina workouts.

So, there's the plan. There is a minor catch this time around. My training plan runs 8 weeks, including the taper week before the race, but the next race I'm officially training for is 12 weeks ago. My plan will be to taper mid-plan for the race in Shippensburg on 6/26, give myself another relatively easy week the week after, and then resume by repeating the last week I had done on the schedule. That will eat up 3 of my 4 extra weeks, so I'll still have a week to play with, and how that gets used will depend on how the rest of the cycle goes.

A better way (I think)

So, as you might know, this Sunday is the finale of ABC's LOST, one of the more anticipated events in recent TV history. The show has been quite popular and has kept it's fans guessing for the better part of the last 6 years, and they will all be watching as the answers (well, at least most of them, I'm sure there will be some mystery left) are revealed. And I will join them, though my journey has been a bit different.

You see, prior to the first of this year, I had never seen a single episode of LOST. I really am not one to be drawn to new TV shows by the previews, so I rarely catch a new show from the very beginning, and by the time I'd heard enough good things about LOST to be intrigued by it, it was several episodes in, and I knew it was the kind of show that I'd want to see from the beginning. Catching up on a show was not as easy back in 2004 as it is today, with the prevalence of things like iTunes, video on-demand service, networks posting back episodes on their website, etc, so I figured some day, at least after the first season DVDs came out, I'd give the show a try and catch up if I liked it. Some day turned out to be earlier this year, and it wasn't by some serious compulsion - I got a Blu-ray player for Christmas, had my Netflix account ready to go, and was looking for some adds to the queue. LOST was one of the more intriguing options to come to mind, so I added the first season and was ready to see if I liked it. After the first disc or so in the first season, I was into the show and decided that I would continue.

This immediately presented me with a bit of a deadline. I knew the season that was upcoming was to be the last for the show. As popular and talked about as LOST was, I also knew that, were I not caught up and able to watch the finale when it aired, there was no way I was going to be go any length of time without hearing some major spoilers - so I had to caught up by the finale. I added seasons 2-5 to my queue and got to work. When the beginning of February rolled around, I set my DVR to record all of this season's episodes so they would be ready for me when I needed them. I initially wound up going almost too fast, and in March and April had to "ration" my watching, because I decided I couldn't go from being able to watch a new episode pretty much on demand to getting caught early in the final season and having to wait week to week. It worked out pretty well, and tonight I just watched last week's episode and last night's episode, so I'm all caught up and ready for the finale.

Inadvertantly, I may have stumbled onto a vastly superior way to watch TV - or at least serial dramas. I see a number of very positive aspects of going this way:

1. No fear of "failure" - Like I said, I don't often get in on the ground floor of shows very often, so this isn't something I've run into too often, but very often serial dramas don't grab enough of an audience and get dumped before they can wrap up their storylines - which really sucks for the loyal fans the show did have. My most recent similar experience to this has been with Friday Night Lights, which started out on NBC, was very nearly axed after its first season, and then was moved so that its first run epsiodes would air exclusively on DirecTV, before re-runing on NBC. It's made it through 4 seasons now (the last two have been shortened), but the 4th season was the first one that ended with any certainty about whether the show was coming back (the last renewal was for seasons 4 + 5, with 5 widely expected to be the last), and yet season finales constantly left plenty of unresolved questions. Heroes also just got axed after 4 seasons having left a lot open in its season (now series) finale, but that show has been consistently going in the tank for the last couple seasons and I wasn't likely to come back anyhow. Regardless, going the "wait and catch-up" route eliminates this concern - you can start watching knowing the plots will be brought to conclusion, or you can at least make an educated decision to watch a show that got the early axe, knowing what you'll be getting into.

2. No waiting - Watching a show as it unfolds always necessitates waiting at least a week between episodes, and in the case of serial dramas, you're usually signing up for months between seasons with some sort of cliffhanger to be resolved. The shorter seasons LOST has run from 4-6 have resulted in almost 9 months between season finale and season premiere, and for shows that run through a full traditional season, these days you're almost invariably looking at some form of hiatus at multiple times to keep the episodes lined up with sweeps and the like. The longest I went between LOST episodes was a week (driven by blizzard related mail delays and a disc that was broken on delivery), and it just so happened that occurred between the 2nd season finale and 3rd season premiere, so I was still months ahead of everyone else on that wait. This also feeds into...

3. No commercials - There are no commercials on Blu-rays, and I can skip them on the DVR'd episodes. Nothing more needs to be said.

4. Ease of recall - Most shows aren't as involved as LOST, but in general, serial dramas are building on something, which makes it helpful if you remember what happened in previous episodes and seasons. I could be wrong, but I'm assuming it's much easier to remember what happened in Season 1 if you watched it a few months ago as opposed to several years ago.

5. Muting of a potential final letdown - Let's face it, a number of these kind of shows have had finales that were quite disappointing. I feel like such a letdown would be much less brutal if you've only been watching for a few months before getting to them as opposed to 5+ years.

Now, there are also some potential pitfalls with this method, the primary one being the obvious issue of spoilers. By catching up before the finale, I've eliminated the possibility the "big" spoiler, but as popular as LOST is, it was inevitable that I was going to pick up somethings, some of which I had picked up before I even started watching. It got particularly difficult once season 6 started up, but overall, I didn't have anything major spoiled. And of course, there's the fact that if everyone tried to employ this method, there would never be a serial drama made again, because they wouldn't get ratings. This is also an easier method for me, because I don't watch a ton of non-sports TV to begin with, so I have time to devote to such an effort, in short bursts.

Regardless of all of that, I've really enjoyed watching LOST in this manner, and will likely try do something similar in the future. I'm probably not patient enough to take this approach with every show that piques my curiosity :-)

Some course corrections

So, if you read the comments in my race report, you might have noticed that my initial disappointment in my performance in my first ever 5k had begun to fade as the day continued on, and that trend continued. Not to say that I'm totally pleased today, but I'm content with it for a number of reasons.

1. Prior to Saturday, I had never competed in an actual race of over 1/4 mile (I think), so just finishing was an accomplishment I became more pleased with as I reflected.
2. A significant part of my struggles were caused by poor initial pacing. Proper pacing is probably one of the hardest things to do in a 5k, and so it was probably somewhat unrealistic for me to expect to get it right in my first race.
3. My goal time of 22:30 was based on my perception of what my optimum performance should be over 5k, and upon further reflection, there was no reason I should have expected optimum performance given the course, which had 2 short but quite steep inclines, and featured full a mile of running directly into a stiff headwind. (Yes, said wind was at my back for most of the last mile, but trust me, it doesn't even out...) The winning time in last year's race was 17:51, and although they haven't posted the official results for this year's race yet, I was told by my cheering section that the first runner came across the line in well over 18 this year. These are not blazing fast 5k times, and for a race of this size (I would say approximately 300 people) to be won by them would definitely indicate that this is not a particularly fast course. In retrospect, a time of 2300-23:30 was probably what I would have been looking at with proper pacing.

So, overall, I'm in much better place with my feelings about the run. Further, I was quite encouraged by my fitness level today when I did a mile time trial in what I am going to call my personal best, of 6:35. I say I'm going to call it my best, because technically I ran a faster mile shortly before I started officially training for Saturday's rest, in 6:25. However, I ran that mile as 2 circuits of my half-mile loop, which I am now convinced is slightly shorter than a half mile. I ran today's mile on my mile loop, which is definitely a mile and if anything is slightly longer. The mile loop is also rather undulating with a couple of steady climbs, while the half mile loop is pretty flat, so even if they are the same length, I'm convinced my 6:35 time on the mile loop is a much better running performance. I'll have to get to a track at some point, because I'm convinced I could probably start to attack the 6 minute mile barrier on a flat run.

So, all of that said, upon reflection, I'm looking at the following changes to my training and race plans. Originally, I only intended to do 3 races this year, to allow time for a full training cycle in between each one. I'm now convinced I need to run a few more races to get experience, even if I'm not "fully" trained for the extra ones. So, my current plan is to next run the Travis Henry Memorial 5k in my hometown of Shippensburg on 6/26 as an "experience" race, and then the Run for Reading 5k in Mechanicsburg on 8/14 as my next race I'm formally training for. After that, I will be looking for a 5k in the mid-September time frame, while training for the Falcon Fun Run at Messiah's Homecoming on 10/16. I've also decided I'll want to stay in training through to December before taking the coldest part of the winter a bit easier, so I'll probably be looking for a race or two in the November/December time frame.

Because the 8/14 date for the Run for Reading is out a couple weeks beyond my 8 week training schedule, I may actually take the week before the 6/26 run and taper for it, but we'll see how things go. I, of course, reserve the right to change my schedule due to injury, other setback, or my whim:)

I'll be setting some training goals later this week, but I have decided to make two key changes to my training approach this time around. First of all, to help myself with being able to feel proper pace, I'm going to work to discipline myself not to check my watch at intervals smaller than half a mile on my tempo and long runs. Secondly, I am going to move my tempo runs (my longest speed workouts) from the half-mile loop to the mile loop. There are two reasons for this - the first being the distance issue I mentioned earlier - I think running the half-mile loop this time around gave me a slightly unrealistic picture of my pace, by moving to the mile loop, if anything, I'll think I'm going a bit slower than I really am, and I prefer that going into a race. Secondly, the mile loop, while not containing any severe hills, comes much closer to replicating what I could expect on a typical 5k course in terms of inclines than the flater half-mile loop.

So, at this point, I'm really feeling re-energized and ready to start prepping for the next race. Of course, that's not to say I'm not enjoying having a more relaxed schedule this week :-)

Armed Forces Day 5k - Race Report

Well, after some spotty weather all week, we were blessed with a beautiful day for the race. It was about 60 degrees and sunny, with a nice breeze moving at race time (8 am).

That, unfortunately, was the main highlight of the day, as I made the mistake I absolutely swore I couldn't make and went out too fast. My plan of attack was to be even mile splits, or even negative splits (getting fast over the course of the race), but assuming the rough mile markers I got from the online course maps (there was nothing official out on the course), I blew that possibility out of the water by running the first mile in about 6:50-6:55, which is a good 20 seconds below the 7:10-7:15 pace I was looking to have over the course of the race, and it absolutely cost me in the last half of the race.

Adding to the difficulties was that I had not totally had a good understanding of the course. We started on City Island and did almost a full lap of the island before heading across the Walnut Street walking bridge. At this point, we did a little turn and headed along the river. Looking at the map, I was thinking we were just staying up at the level of the bridge, but we actually dropped down to the lower level via a fairly steep hill. Not a big problem at that point, but it meant that we were going to have to go back up that hill right before the finish, and it also meant there was a similar hill to navigate at the turnaround point about 2 miles into the race. It also put us right down next to the river, into quite a wind tunnel that was blowing into our faces on the way out.

Between the wind in the face and having gone out too fast, my planning of having something in reserve for the last mile just didn't come together, and I was really just trying to hang on. The hill back up onto the bridge pretty much did me in, and the final run back across the bridge was far from triumphant. I did manage a final push to the finish to get in around 24:30, which was a solid 2 minutes below my goal, and I'm pretty that way too fast first mile cost me pretty much all of that time. Granted, 24:30 for a 5k is nothing to be ashamed of in the grand scheme of things, it's still under an 8 minute mile pace, and while the official results are yet to come, I know I finished ahead of significantly more people than I finished behind. That being said, I know I could have done a lot better - by the end of my training cycle I was able to run 3 miles at an 8:10-8:15/mile pace and feel very comfortable throughout, so going well under an 8 minute pace in 5k race shouldn't have been much of a problem - had I done a better job of pacing myself early in the race.

So, that will be a point of emphasis for my next round of training - being able to have a better feel for my pace. The difference between training and a race is that I know my training courses, I have checkpoints all along the way, so if I'm off pace, I know about it within a quarter mile and can make the adjustment. Today, all I had was a rough idea of where each mile was, and so until I got my first reliable time check, I was already in trouble. So, I will probably try to find some less familiar paths to run this time around, and also discipline myself to not look at my watch as much while I'm on my regular paths. I do not think my 22:30 goal was unrealistic for my level of conditioning, despite the fact that I fell 2 minutes short of it - I think the time was more reflective of my lack of experience than anything else.

So, what's up next? I plan to have a slightly easier week this week, perhaps just a couple days where I do some time-trailing at some shorter distances (1 and 2 miles) and then a 4-5 mile run over the weekend, and then I'll reset my training plan with new goals for this time around. At this point, I'm eyeing a couple options for races in late July/early August to be the next one that I'm "officially" training for. There's also a 5k in my hometown on 6/26 that I'm eyeing more seriously after today. It will be squarely in the middle of my training cycle, so I would be looking at it more for getting some more experience at running the distance than for a real barometer of progress - though I would probably be hoping for at least some sort of a PR given my time today.

So, all in all, I was disappointed today, but not disheartened, and very motivated to continue training and learning so that I can improve. I finished, and for the first one, I guess that has to be the primary goal :)

Well, it's official

Today, I officially registered for the Armed Forces Day 5k in Harrisburg on Saturday, May 15th, so I suppose it is on...

Training has gone very well to date, although I am skipping my long run this weekend because I've listened to my body. I did my longest tempo run ever on Friday evening around sundown, had a long day yesterday, and just was not feeling totally right when I got up this morning. I might have taken a go at it, except for the unseasonable warmth and accompanying humidity. The bottom line is that my endurance is well built up at this point, this is the only run I've missed in the first 6 weeks so it doesn't seem likely to really mess me up, and overtraining could lead to a major setback.

Anyhow, with 2 weeks to go, and only one week of full training (the last week is an easy week to taper down and be properly rested for the race), it's time to really start thinking about goals.

Assuming the courses I train on are pretty close to the lengths I believe they are, I've been tempo running at about a 7:15-7:20 minute/mile pace, with my longest period at tempo pace being 20 minutes (I covered about 2.75 miles in that stretch). Maintaining that pace for a 5k would lead to something in the vicinity of a 22:30 for. Now, the idea of tempo running is that it's supposed to be below race pace, so in theory I should expect to run faster than that pace in the race. However, I'm going to temper my expectations for a few reasons.
#1 - I think, since I don't have a race history to know my race pace that I'm probably tempo running closer to my limit than I should be.
#2 - I'm not yet fast enough to cover 5k during my tempo runs, so I'll have some extra distance to cover once I get best the longest I've run at such a pace before.
#3 - If anything, I think the course I use for my tempo runs is a bit shorter than I count it as.
#4 - This is my first race - I'm a bit concerned the adrenaline might mess with my pacing discipline.

Of course, there are a couple things that work in my favor:
#1 - My tempo runs are often the 3rd of 3 straight daily runs, and almost always at least the 2nd of two in a row, and they always occur towards the end of the day, so I'm not necessarily on the freshest of legs. On raceday, I'll be running first thing in the morning with a couple days of rest behind me.
#2 - When I tempo run, I start out with 8 to 10 minutes of running at a long run pace, so I'm actually 28-30 minutes into a run when I finish the faster portion. In the race, I'll be starting with completely fresh legs.

All of that put together, with this being my first race, I'm taking a pretty conservative approach and looking for a time around 22:30, though I think I might be capable of better. My plan, for the time being, is to be relatively conservative over the first two miles or so, with the hope of having plenty in the tank for a very good final mile. If I make a mistake with pacing in this race, I want to do so in favor of having something left at the end, as opposed to bonking and having to struggle to the finish. One very nice aspect of the course for the race for a novice like myself is that it is very flat overall.

Another positive development regarding the race occurred today, as some friends, who were just coming off of a half-marathon yesterday, got the bug and decided to run the race with me. I think it'll make for much more fun day having a group for support at the starting line and to celebrate with afterwards, and potentially some company on the run itself depending on how they pace.

The plan, continued - Training Objectives

Okay, so the "plan" officially starts on Monday. As a reminder, I will be using this training plan. I do, however, have a couple of minor tweaks. First of all, I'm usually busy on Tuesday nights, while Mondays are most often free, so I typically make Monday my interval day and Tuesday my early week rest day, so I'm not rushing around trying to get workout in on Tuesdays. This works well, since Sunday is a very light day anyhow. In addition, as I mentioned in a previous post, I plan to do my intervals with only 200m (roughly) in between, as opposed to 400m.

So, here are my stated training goals for each type of training, based on a combination of what various running sites say I should be able to do based on my current fitness level, and my own prior experiences. Sunday recovery jogs are not included here.

Intervals
Starting objective: All intervals under 1:30
Ending objective: All intervals under 1:25

The difference between starting and ending times on this is merely an acknowledgment that I'm going in a bit out of shape - I'm not really training to make these faster, though if it happens, I won't complain. As you'll notice from the training plan, the goal over the course of the plan is to add intervals, going from 3 in week 1 to 6 in week 7. Before I fell of my training schedule, I pretty easily did 5 in under 1:25, of course, that was with 400m recovery in between. This was also before every other interval was uphill. Anyhow, I went out and did three intervals on Monday - the downhill ones were both under 1:25, the uphill was right at 1:30. This is probably the least ambitious of my training time objectives, and it's by design. I HATE intervals, and they are workout most likely to drive me off my schedule. My pacing is already good for my longer term goals, so rather than kill myself trying to go faster, the focus will simply be on adding intervals. In fact, when I start over after the first race, I will probably start at 6 intervals and look to increase to 8, rather than going back to 3 and looking for a faster time. We'll see.

Midweek 2/3 mile runs
Starting objective: 8:45/mile pace
Ending objective: 8:30/mile pace

Oddly enough, despite being by far the easiest workout (aside from Sunday's easy jog), this one has the most potential to screw up my training, in my opinion. These are not speed workouts, just nice, easy mid-week runs. While I'm very good about starting slow when I'm going 5 miles and beyond, I found during my first run of training that when I'm only going 2 or 3 miles, I want to go. I could absolutely run these workouts faster right now, but I need to discipline myself to maintain pacing, because if I go too fast in these workouts, it will hurt my tempo runs the next day, where I am trying to build speed/stamina.

Tempo Runs
Starting objective: 7:30/mile pace
Ending objective: 7:15/mile pace

Tempo runs are supposed to be "comfortably hard". These workouts will give my best sense of where I'm at in terms of racing goals. By the end of the training plan, my tempo runs should include 20 minutes at the stated pace. A 7:15/mile pace is about 10 seconds/mile over what I would need to run to break 22 minutes. Last time I did a tempo run (2 weeks ago), I was roughly at a 7:30/mile pace for 15 minutes, so I'm feeling good about the starting point - we'll see where it winds up.

Long Runs:
Starting object: 9:00/mile pace
Ending objective: 8:40/mile pace

My best run before my training broke down was 6 miles at about an 8:45/mile pace. I did 4.5 this morning at right at a 9:00 mile pace. This seems pretty realistic to me.

I have... (oh God!) a plan!

*with a nod to Perfect Strangers for the title inspiration*

Well, spring may not officially be here for a couple more days, but it seems to have gotten to Central PA a little early this year. Blue skies, 60 degree temperatures, and warm breezes have characterized this week, all but eradicating memories of the winter horror that was February. And with the dawning of spring comes the disappearance of my last excuse for not fully getting back into my running training, as the weather is now a reason in favor of going outside for a run, not a strike against.

My basic thought when I took up running backing in the late fall was that if I could survive the winter, I would then really evaluate what I wanted to do going forward. Well, I mostly survived the winter, and was starting to crawl back into my routine last week, so the time had come to really evaluate whether I was just going to be a very casual runner, or whether I was going to have goals and a plan. I have decided on the latter, and so here it is...

This most recent stretch has made it clear to me if I am to maintain any kind of serious training, that I need to be training FOR something. It was just too easy for me to let things go without a stated objective or deadline. So, I've decided to plan for some races, of the 5k variety. When I was sticking to my schedule, I was using this training plan. I really liked it, both in terms of the fact that it seemed appropriate challenging, and presented a good variety so it wasn't boring. I also didn't feel like I was over-training, and I stayed injury-free, which is an obvious plus. This is the plan I intend to use for the forseeable future, and it's an 8 week plan, so that puts my first race in the mid-late May timeframe. I have my eye on a race on May 15th, but I may hold off and look for something over the Memorial Day weekend. It will depend on how my first week goes and whether I think I can step right into the plan. I'm easing back in a bit this week, and early returns are positive, so we'll see.

After I complete the first race, I'll use the results to re-evaluate my fitness level and reset my training paces for another 8 week cycle, which would result in a 2nd race in the late July, early August time frame. After that, I will rinse and repeat, with the intention of running in the Falcon Fun Run at Messiah's homecoming in mid-October. After that, I may look for something in late November/early December time frame, and then slip into a more casual running routine over the winter.

As far as time goals go, it's a little hard to gauge them yet, since I haven't actually run a race. The primary goal for the first race will obviously be to finish, but I have no doubt I can do that unless I do something crazy with my early pacing. Last week I ran a mile (roughly) time-trial in about 6:25, which, according to sites that calculate such things, suggests that with proper training, I ought to be able to run a 5k in roughly 22 minutes. That seems reasonable to me based on where I was before my layoff, but we'll see. My major longer term goal is to eventually go sub 20, but that's definitely a down the road thing.

So, there's the plan. We'll see how long it lasts ;-)

Training secrets: Lessons in what NOT to do

So, I learned a few things today, some things I thought I would share with you all - some great tips for fitness training.

#1 - Lesson #1: Do not take 10 full days off from running after a couple weeks where you were already running less than your training plan.

Okay, this one is just flat out common sense, and it wasn't my intention at all. However, the weather initially knocked me off my rhythem. The last weekend of January was bitter cold, like 15 for highs, and I know some people wouldn't be deterred by that, but I'm not going to spend almost an hour out in that to run 6 miles. So, I missed my first long run. Then, the following weekend, we got 18 inches of snow, which ruled out running for that weekend. Then, we got another 18 inches of snow from Tuesday night through Wednesday. So, I was officially knocked off of my rhythm, and over a couple weeks went from running 4 or 5 times a week, to maybe 2. So, then, the combination of more weather, schedules, etc led to a 10 day hiatus.

#2 - Lesson #2: If you fail to heed lesson #1, do not resume training with speed work the first day.

Okay, this is a little less obvious, but I probably could have figured it out. After all, my last entry over a month ago documented my hatred of speedwork - what did I really expect to be like when I had allowed my fitness level to dip? And really, I was very, very close to not doing the speedwork today. However, I had really determined that I needed to get back on my schedule this week, and Mondays are speed work. I told myself it would be okay, because due to my decline and then full layoff, I had decided to reset to the beginning of my training plan, which meant I would only run 3 intervals (1/4 mile each), as opposed to the 5 I was doing before the break. Of course, I had decided to go from 1/4 mile of jogging between intervals to 1/8 of a mile, so that was probably a wash, at best, but I convinced myself otherwise.

#3 - Should you stubbornly ignore lesson #2, do not run a time at or near your personal best on your first interval.

Okay, this was a total accident. It had been a couple weeks since I ran intervals, so my sense of pacing was off. I was obviously quite well rested, so I felt very, very good. I didn't check my time at any real midpoints, and since I don't pay that much attention to any kind of mid-splits when doing intervals, I probably wouldn't have realized what it meant anyhow. When I looked down at my watch as I was getting close to the finish, I realized I was going to run my best split ever. This is not a good plan for the first interval under ideal circumstances, but really, really bad when you've been out of the game for a bit. My plan had been to run splits a good 10 seconds above (roughly 10-15% slower than) the time I was now heading for. I coasted to the finish and still ended up just above my best. Uh oh...

#4 - Upon failing to acknowledge the wisdom of lesson #4, consider modifying your plan of attack so that the 2nd interval doesn't finish on an uphill slope.

This was just an oversight on my part. My typical plan of attack on intervals has been simple - run the 1/4 of a mile out, and then jog back in. However, to cut down to 1/8 of a mile in between intervals, the plan was 1/4 mile out, quick little 1/8 mile loop, 1/4 mile back in, 1/8 mile loop, 1/4 mile back out, jog home. With the typical plan of attack, the full out run starts out going slightly down hill for maybe 1/3 of the distance, then flattens out, and when I loop back around, I'm jogging, so I don't really notice the incline that much. Let's just say I noticed it coming back this time. Had I thought things all the way through, I would have abandoned my original plan and just stuck with 1/4 mile rest in between intervals after I ran that blistered first split, but I figured, no worries, I'll just dial this one back a little. Yeah, that didn't go so well. This incline is not severe at all, I actually use it as the finishing stretch for my laps when I'm doing longer runs, and I like how it works. However, when you're running full out and already really feeling it, any incline kills.

So, having ignored all 4 of these lessons, I was left to run an absolutely horrid 3rd interval, feel like death at the end of it, and to walk most of the way home rather than jog. But, on the bright side, I did get back out there, and I learned all these valuable lessons, which I shall heed the next time... probably.

I HATE speed work!

And of course, there's only one problem with that - I want to go faster.

Okay, I may have jumped into this one a little too quickly. As you probably know if you've read this blog a time or two, I started running about 2 months ago. I started out very simply, but quickly moved to following a more formal training plan, mainly because the only way I knew how to train to run was to pick a distance and try to run it as quickly as I could without passing out, falling over, etc. Let's just say had I stuck with such a plan, my running days would have probably been over in a week or two, because I was legitimately dreading the prospect of running most days.

Of course, most training plans you'll find out there are for a race of some length, so I had to make a decision about what kind of runner I wanted to be, at least for the forseeable future. I settled on a training plan for 5k running. The middle distances really appealed to me, because I wanted a distance that would challenge me, but also one I could really go after to try and get faster at. I just don't feel like I have the temperment (mostly the patience) for very long distances, and while I've come to enjoy my longer runs in their own way, my experience to date has confirmed that. I do feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete a run of 5 or 6 miles (prior to two months ago I think the farthest I'd ever run was maybe 3.5 miles, and that was 12 years or so ago during soccer pre-season), but what really gets me going is the idea of watching my times drop over 2 or 3 miles.

There's just one problem with that - in order to run faster, you have to, well, run faster. Were I just looking to stretch out my distances, I could settle in at comfortable paces and build up my long runs appropriately from week to week. That'll only do so much for my 5k abilities, however, and so at some point I have to push if I want to get faster. I can improve my endurance all I want, but eventually I have to train my body at higher speeds to be able to better sustain them.

The training plan I'm on calls for me to do this in 2 ways. Basically, ideally I run 5 times a week. 2 of those runs are comfortable runs for distance (currently 3 and 6 miles respectively), a 3rd is a timed run at a very easy pace, which occurs the day after my long run for the week. The other 2 days are speed work days. The first form of speed work, a tempo run, isn't so bad, in fact, I still mostly enjoy it. My tempo runs start out with 5-10 minutes at a pretty comfortable pace, followed by 15-20 minutes of running "comfortably hard" - in other words, I feel like I'm really working, but at a pace that I know I can sustain without putting myself under serious distress.

Then there's the kind of work I was doing today - speed intervals. These, I hate. This is the one day on my running calendar each week that I really do not look forward to. Intervals are pretty straight forward. You pick a distance, you run really hard for that distance, then jog/walk the same distance, then repeat the process. The objective is to be able to maintain your speed from the first interval to the last, and over time to increase the number of intervals you can do. . Since I'm training like I'm going to run a 5k, my perscribed interval distance is 400m, or roughly 1/4 mile. I started out doing 3, and now I'm up to 5. These suck. Now, admittedly, the first time I tried these, this happened, so I might still have some lingering bad associations, but I'm pretty sure that's really not it. These are, in no way, comfortable. Now, as I learned quickly, these are not to be run so hard that you need to collapse at the end, the point is to be able to repeat them, but I do put myself into considerably more distress doing these than I do with any of my other workouts. By the end of the fast portion of a run, my lungs are burning and my legs are seriously wondering what exactly they've done to merit this kind of punishment. It definitely takes every bit of the slow jog back to get ready for the next one, especially as I get further into the workout. I also do this in a nearby neighborhood, about the time of day when other people are out walking, and I'm pretty sure some of those people think I'm nuts. Luckily it's not MY neighborhood, so they don't actually know who I am...

The thing about these workouts is that, after the first couple weeks, I haven't seen a lot of visible progress within the workouts themselves, at least in terms of progress that's measured by the stopwatch. That can be a little extra frustrating at the end - and yet I know that it is these, my most hated of workouts, that drive the improvements I see in my other workouts, where suddenly my "comfortable" pace is just a bit faster than it was the week before.

2009 In Review

Well, it's been a rather light year for me on the blog, but I wanted to go through 2009 and just hit the highlights. This will allow me to bring the year into focus, and also to briefly touch on a few events that, while important, for one reason or another never really made it into the blog. So, here we go, month by month.

January - 2009 was in many ways a year of awakening for me spiritually, one in which God really led me into a more personal, intimate relationship with Him, as opposed to one that was just based on what I knew about Him and what I did for Him. There were many significant events related to this throughout the year, the first one being a leadership retreat that I was on over the second weekend of the year. This also started a recurring pattern through the year of me taking many posts, and many more days than really necessary, to tell a particular story. This story can be found here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. The retreat ended on January 11th, and I only took until February 8th to finish blogging about it! In the interim, for the second year I became a "Partner In Hope" with St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital via the BOB 94.9 Radioathon, and for the second year in a row, I won one of the big incentive prizes - a guitar autographed by Brad Paisley. We should only be a few weeks away from the 2010 Radioathon - I wonder what they've picked out for me this year :)

February/March - I didn't blog about much in these months, except the occasional musing and the day when my Brad Paisley guitar arrived. In March, there was of course, my traditional pilgrimage with my Dad to Clearwater, Florida for Phillies spring training, made more exciting than previous years due to the Phillies standing as reigning World Series champions.

April - The month began with a quick roller coaster ride in terms of my sports world. I was able to attend the game where the Phillies were presented with their 2008 World Series rings, which has to go down as one of the best moments in my "career" as a sports fan. Unfortunately, the euphoria of that moment had hardly faded when, a few days later, legendary Phillies broadcaster Harry Kalas passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Somewhere in this month I also celebrated birthday #29.

May - May was highlighted by my heating/cooling system breaking down and taking 2 weeks and 3 technician visits to get repaired. I also discovered some "vintage" grape juice in a cabinet in my kitchen (and by the way, I still haven't gotten rid of it). Not to mention that early in the month, Messiah's softball team became the 3rd program to win a national championship, the school's 9th championship ever, all since the fall of 2000. For a refresher on May, you can go here.

June - What was unquestionably the most pivotal event of my year occured right in the middle of the year, and that was my family trip out to the West Coast - first to Seattle to visit my cousin, and then on to Northern California to visit my uncle and aunt and their family, and to attempt to climb Half Dome in Yosemite. From the plane ride out to the attempt up Half Dome and back again, it was a major event in my life, one that took me 9 posts over more than a month to blog about. Read about it here, here, and here.

July/August - Apparently I spent July and August blogging about the Half Dome trip, and not much else :) Actually, there was a lot going on during this time, however, much of it was of a more personal nature. Some will be covered in later posting, some, not so much. Most significant was that at the end of August, CrossWalk Community was closed after almost 4 years of ministry.

September - Spurred on by my desire to one day successfully climb Half Dome, I buckled down and began a regular workout routine, which coupled with some earlier and subsequent initiatives accidentally morphed into a full-fledged emphasis on health and fitness. Also, over Labor Day weekend, I made another trek to South Bend, Indiana to visit my dear friends, the Ritters.

October - The Phillies had another wild October ride, but fell disappointingly short of repeating as World Series champions, losing the Series to the Yankees in 6 mes. In one of my prouder moments as a fan, I did not join the parade of fellow Phillies fans who became loud advocates for a salary cap in baseball the day after the Series ended. Yeah, tell me THAT's not sour grapes. A summer spent wrestling with God over His plan and hand in the life of my friend Lynn, who is in the advanced stages of ALS, culminated with some realizations, some revelations, and even a bit of clarity, and led to me blogging the entire story of my interaction with Lynn's situation over the past two years. Those posts can be found here, here, here, here, and here.

November - My workout routine began to morph from daily elliptical workouts towards actual running. More on this later. The Thanksgiving holiday came, finding me with a really nasty cold, and also leading to the discover that my dog can actually behave around other people now. That report is here, and here.

December - I began a full running training program, leading to a rather nasty spill that resulted in some scrapes and scratches and a bruised ego, but no long-term damage. Overall, I've stuck with a regular work out routine for 4 months now, which is about 3 months longer that I've ever stayed with one before. That, coupled with my other health-related changes, has left me about 20 pounds lighter (still falling, though at a much slower rate), and on the basis of yesterday's 2 mile run time, in the best shape I've ever been in. This is both a testament to how well this workout routine has gone, and an indictment on my lack of commitment to fitness in year's past, even going back to high school when I was a soccer player. Predictably, the Messiah men's and women's soccer teams both win national championships, the 7th for the men, 3rd for the women, and the 3rd time in both Messiah and NCAA history that they've both won the championship in the same season. All in all, that makes 11 championships for Messiah in the last decade. Equally predictably, the field hockey team made the national title game, and lost for 7th time in 7 tries. Maybe next year...

So, that's 2009 in a nutshell. It was a great year on many, many, fronts - and it has me tremendously excited about what is to come in 2010. Right now, a few things are known. There will, of course, be another trip to Clearwater in March. After a year off, I expect to lead another team to Thailand for about 10 days late in the summer. Assuming I continue to enjoy and stick with the running through winter, I anticipate starting to run some 5k races come spring. Those are just a few things, and of course there are many other things ahead that I could never anticipate, much like many of the things above were to me on December 31, 2008.

So, with all that said, blessings and prayers to everyone for an awesome 2010!

So, here we are at the end of another year.

Another one bites the dust

And by "another one", I mean me. And by "dust", I mean "asphalt".

That's right, I've been a bit gimpy the last couple days because, well, I'm a klutz. Or at least, I was on Tuesday morning.

You may remember a while back I blogged on my new fitness kick. Well, that commitment has largely remained intact, and after a few months, I became bored of running on the elliptical day after day. There was also the fact that I have a cheap elliptical that's already underwent some modification to keep it together, and has variable resistance that long since stopped working - meaning my only option to increase workout intensity is to go faster. As I've gotten in better shape, I've had to go faster to keep the same level of work for my heart, and I began to fear I was getting to the point where it was just going to fly apart some morning, with me on it.

So, despite the fact it was already mid-November and we were about to head into the dead of winter, I decided that I was going to start running, using the elliptical as a lighter exercise on non-running days. I got started right before Thanksgiving while there was still some decent whether, and then as the weather got cold, I procured some appropriate cold weather gear and kept at it.

And really, it's been going well. It started out kind of rough, because I had zero clue about how to train other than just go out and running as hard as I thought I could for whatever distance I was running, so I always ended up completely wiped at the end of a run, and often played myself out before I got to the goal distance. But I did some research, got an understanding of where I was at with my fitness level and a decent training plan, and I felt like I was really going to get somewhere over the last week.

Which brings me to Tuesday morning. I was doing a workout where I would go really hard for about a quarter-mile, then walk/job back, then repeat. I was going for 3 reps. Bear in mind that I still exercise first thing in the morning, so I started out sometime just before 6 am. In central PA in early December, it's still pretty dark at that time. However, I'm in a populated area, and there's plenty of available light to run by - but you can't necessarily see every detail.

There's been a lot of newer construction in the area that I run in, and a couple of the roads have just been put in within the last year or so - so there's some areas where the sections of the asphalt come together that the road isn't especially even. My course takes me through one of those areas. What's probably worse is that it's near the end of the course, about the time I reach and look down to check my watch for my time. On my last rep, I was checking my time, took a shorter, more choppy stride than normal, and felt my right foot catch one of the seams in the pavement. I'm not sure I would have had a chance of staying upright under any circumstances, but with my right hand on my left wrist, I had absolutely no chance, and I pitched over forward to the asphalt at full running speed - knees first.

Obviously it hurt, but I didn't immediately sense anything serious had happened, so I started to collect myself and get up. As mad as I was at myself about what had just happened, there was one comfort. As I said, I had started before 6, it was about 6:10 am at this point and still plenty dark, so I was thinking to myself "At least no one saw that...". But then, as I started to stand up, I heard a terrible sound: "Are you okay?" You've got to be kidding me! There was a guy out walking, and I had gone down within about 20 feet of him. Being now mortally embarrassed in addition to the physical pain, I quickly responded "Yeah, I'm okay." Let's be honest here, I had no clue yet if I was okay. "Okay" at this point, was defined as being able to stand up. "Are you sure?" There was an edge in my voice this time "Sir, I'm fine." Then, thinking about it for a second, I quickly threw out a much softer "But thank you!" Seriously, what was I doing refusing potential help? But that was what I had done.

As it turns out, I was, largely, okay. I was able to get up and walk about halfway home, at which point I felt okay enough to jog the rest of the way. My knees were, obviously, very sore - but that was about the extent of it. When I got back to the house, I was able to more thoroughly examine myself and discover that the damage was limited to two bloodied and sore knees. I was probably very fortunate it was winter, because I was pretty much completely covered up, which probably saved me further damage to my knees, and any damage at all to my hands and arms. I didn't even tear my running tights, which was perhaps the thing that surprised me most. In reality, the worst injury was probably to my pride.

Anyhow, I've recovered pretty well. Yesterday was a lost day for running anyhow because we had had snow overnight and it was pouring rain in morning - but I was recovered enough to do a good hard session on the elliptical, and I was back out on the road this morning - still a bit sore but not really limited in any way. Tomorrow is a planned rest day, so hopefully by Saturday I'll be all but 100% again.

Thanksgiving Report - Part 2

Wow, only took me a week to get back to this :)

Anyhow, so Thursday was, of course, time for the traditional Thanksgiving feast. We always gather with my Dad's side of the family at my Pap's farmhouse for this, and this year was no exception. I think all told we had about 25 people this year, ranging in ages from 93 (my great aunt) down to toddler. It's quite an event when we all get crammed around the various tables in the house. Dinner is pretty much the standard classics (well, that, plus oyster stuffing, which I assume is NOT a standard for most families), and dinner is all well and good, but for me, it's all about getting to dessert.

You see, my grandma was ridiculous when it came to desserts, and especially pies. There would likely be pies around virtually anytime we would be there for dinner, but around the holidays, she'd outdo herself. And they were really good. Grandma passed away during my junior year of college, and I miss her greatly, but luckily in this regard, she passed her gift onto her daughters and at least one of her granddaughters (my sister). So, we've never been lacking for desserts, and this year was no exception. Of the top of my head, this year we had pumpkin, cherry, apple, black raspberry (my favorite), and coconut cream pies available, as well as our family's traditional coconut cake. It's always a good thing that we don't just go for dinner and then leave - Thanksgiving dinner gets to be much more of a marathon than a sprint. Along with the standard picking through the leftover turkey, and sampling through the various pies that couldn't be taken in with the original meal, there's also the big box of Kay and Ray's potato chips, and much Pepsi to be consumed throughout the rest of the afternoon and early evening!

Anyhow, after Thanksgiving day is over, it's on to the rest of the weekend, which I always stay with my folks for. The real revelation of this Thanksgiving was related to my dog, Chaser, who comes along for the trip whenever I'm with the folks for a couple days.

Chaser is (by best guess, since he came from the shelter and came into the shelter as a stray) about 4 years old, and a mix between a yellow labrador and a terrier. For those who have met Chaser, you know that he isn't really very social. Actually, that's inaccurate - he's actually so social as to be anti-social. Really, the issue hasn't been his behavior itself, but rather his size. When a little dog, such as my sister's pug, is all excited to see you and scurrying around jumping up at and on you, it might be annoying, but it's not really that difficult to deal with. Chaser, on the hand, is all of 50 pounds, so he makes an impact! He traditionally just gets so excited when there are different people around - more specifically when I'm around and different people around - he's always been good when I've had people take care of him.

Anyhow, I bring him along because I have to when I come home, but his presence has always complicated my visits. He stays down in the basement, which is finished and very comfortable, a perfect place for hanging out. Unfortunately, traditionally he's made it very difficult for the family to come down and hang out, because he just wouldn't calm down. Because he was so on edge, I was never comfortable leaving him uncrated down there unattended, and I didn't want him to be crated for the whole vacation, so I would often spend more time than I wanted to down there with him by myself.

I had had some hints in recent months that he had started to mellow some socially, so I was hopeful this trip might be a bit different, and man, was it ever. He still gave my folks a standard exuberant greeting anytime they came down, but once they got settled in, he did as well, just being very playful and social, but not nearly as jumpy and obnoxious. He would often even, get this, lay down and relax! It was crazy. We had gone from one extra person in the room being too much for him, to a Friday night where my mom, dad, sister, and brother-in-law (and their pug) were all down there with him, and he was just great. I'm sure they all liked Chaser up to this point, but this time I think we were all able to actual enjoy having him around, in the way I enjoy having him around when its just me and him. It really made the time at home so much better, and more relaxing, since I didn't have to neglect my dog in order to spend time with the folks.

So, all in all, after the rocky start, it was a great holiday weekend with the family. Of course, since I was rendered pretty much sedentary while I was recovering from my cold, and had the traditional Thanksgiving gorging along with plenty of food the rest of the weekend, I was 2.5 pounds heavier when I got home. Totally worth it! :)

The Thanksgiving Report - Part 1

So, the story of my Thanksgiving starts last Monday, when I woke up with something of a "tickle" in my throat. That's precisely how you do NOT want to start a short, holiday week, but it is the hand I was dealt. As I got up and began to get ready for my day, it was confirmed, I definitely had a raw throat that was the result of sinus drainage. I do have allergies, but this seemed like pretty much the wrong time of year for those, so I figured I was probably on the verge of a cold.

This was confirmed when I woke up Tuesday morning, so I cancelled a planned early morning 2 mile run. However, I really didn't feel THAT bad. I felt worse when I got to work, and took some medicine in the morning. By the afternoon, everything had dropped down out of my head into my nose, and I was sounding terrible, but actually feeling a bit better. I was encouraged by this - as a general rule, the worse I sound the better I feel when I'm dealing with a cold. I don't know if that's a universal rule, but it pretty much works for me. I didn't have a fever, and so in the evening I was feeling well enough to attend my first Thanksgiving dinner of the week - with the young adults at my church. I have to say, very high quality meal, although the dessert portion of the event did not measure up to the "real" Thanksiving dinner on Thursay (that's not, however, an insult to the Tuesday night dessert, just wait) As expected, I was feeling a little bit worse off after being out and socializing, but still not too bad when I got home. I didn't take any cold medicine to go to bed.

That was my first in a series of mistakes. I had a miserable first part of the night until I gave in and drank some NyQuill at about 1:30 AM. Morning, of course, came too soon, and I was feeling worse than I had felt the night before. After batting around what I wanted to do in my head, I called in sick to work. I was meeting with my pastor in the morning, so I was going to be late anyhow, and thought I'd probably need to leave early since I was planning on heading home that night and hadn't done any packing yet, so that made the decision a little easier.

After meeting with my pastor (he came to me), I began the remaining series of mistakes - all of which, like the first one, fell into the category of me just not taking my illness seriously enough. I had been convinced since Tuesday afternoon that I was on the downside, and perhaps I would have been - had I taken better care of myself. When I'm seriously fighting something, I'm almost obsessive about making sure I take in plenty of fluids, and I had been so all day on Tuesday. Wednesday, however, was a different story, and after some OJ with breakfast, I really didn't drink anything for the rest of the morning and early afternoon.

Nor did I do a I particularly good job of resting. I tried to get some packing done as I felt like it, and spent a lot of time watching TV in the basement, with a space heater running right at me to make up for the sometimes drafty nature of that room. Not the best move when sick, apparently. Whatever the combination of factors that led me to it, by early afternoon, as I thought I would make the push to pack the car and drive home, I was pretty much laid out, with a fever now pushing 101. I called my Mom and told her I would likely not be home yet that evening. After that, I did what I should have done about 6 hours earlier - drank down a couple bottles of water, took a shot of NyQuill, and climbed into bed for a long nap.

I awoke several hours later, feeling much better, though still sick, and feeling really stupid for having not taken care of myself better the previous night and earlier that day. I was also much more optimistic than I had been earlier about whether I would be able to make the trip home the next morning. At that point, if I had had to, I probably could have made the drive that night, and I figured given a good night's sleep, I was only likely to feel better first thing in the morning, even if that would fade.

And I was right, I did feel even better in the morning, though I was hacking and coughing and sounded even worse, which falls right in line with the principle I laid out earlier. I loaded up the car and Chaser and I made the drive to the folks.

When all that's left is to believe

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If you've been a regular visitor to my blog, you might know of my recent commitment to fitness. One of the results of that was a long period of time when I would take my dog for long (30-45 minute walks on most evenings). That pattern has slowed in recent weeks, due to a combination of diminished evening light, and the accompanying diminished warmth, but while that was going on, I often found myself with lots of time to my thoughts, and obviously, while I was walking through everything I described, my thoughts often turned to Lynn while I was on these walks.

One day, and I don't exactly remember when in all of this it was, but it's not really important, as I was thinking about Lynn and processing everything again, the hook of a song came into my head. It was a song that I know I hadn't heard in at least 7 or 8 years, quite likely closer to 10. And I'd be willing to bet that most of you have never heard the song, because as best as I can tell it never made its way onto the radio. It was an album cut off a CD by a guy named Clay Crosse. I'm pretty sure the only reason I ever heard it was because I own the CD. The chorus of the song goes like so:

When all that's left is to believe
I give my doubts and fears to You
And fall down on my knees
I may not have the answers now
But You give me what I need
So Father I will cling to You
When all that's left is to believe

There I was again, fighting back tears. There may have been times in my life when a song or lyric spoke as directly to my heart as this one did in this moment, but there certainly haven't been any where one spoke more directly to me.

When you boil everything I've shared over the last number of posts down - when you strip away all the nuances and complexities of circumstance, when you look through everything that has or hasn't happened since September 10, 2007, the simple fact of the matter is that I've been left with a choice. It's the choice Abraham faced when God promised him a son, and then later faced when God asked him to sacrifice that very son; the choice that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego faced before the fiery furnace; the choice that Daniel faced before the lion's den; the choice that Stephen faced before the angry mob; the choice we read about time and time again Hebrews 11 - the very same choice we all face in any crisis of faith - the choice to believe, or not to believe.

Over the last two years, anything else that myself, or anyone who cares about Lynn, could cling to for hope has been stripped away, and all that is left is our Father - His Word, His promises. Do I believe that God spoke to me 2 years ago? Do I believe (or better yet, am I "fully persuded") that He is able to do what He promised? The answer to both those questions for me is "Yes." And so I cling to my Father, because there's nothing else left to do.

You know, the doctor's visit where Lynn was given 3 to 6 months to live was in mid-August. If you do the math, you'll quickly understand that we are moving into the early part of that range. When I was with him this past Saturday, he told me how fragile he felt - that one big coughing or gagging spell could do him in, that this was really coming into the final few weeks. That paints a very bleak picture. His response to that was "My healing is right around the corner." And you know what, sitting here today, I can tell you that I believe that too.

Are we fools for such belief? To be honest, I've stopped caring about the answer to that question. The Scripture is full of people who looked awfully foolish for believing God - right up until the point where He stepped in and fulfilled his promise. I acknowledge my imperfect ability to comprehend God, my bias in the situation, and the accompanying fact that I could have read this all wrong, but that's not what I believe, and I choose to cling to what I do believe until circumstances compel me to do otherwise. That time has not yet come.

Not that any of this makes it easy. My eyes were wet yet again as I pulled away from Lynn's house on Saturday - they've been wet at various times as I've been writing over the last many days, and they heading that direction right now. The physical reality hasn't changed, and the picture I can see with my eyes gets worse day by day. But I stand in the spirit of those 3 Hebrew captives I mentioned earlier as they were before the fiery furnace in saying that I know the God I serve is able to deliver Lynn from this disease, and I believe that He will, and yet whether he does or doesn't, He is still God, and there is no one else worthy of my worship.

So that's it, the full story, and perhaps now you understand why I'm sharing it now, even as things look their bleakest. This is where I've been, and I'm driving this stake in the ground to say that, come what may, this is what I believe, and I'm not ashamed of it, at least not anymore.

A new perspective

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This summer was a big one for me in terms of my walk with God. Regular readers of this blog (all 3 of you) might remember my tale of my attempted trek up Half Dome in Yosemite at the end of June. That trip sparked a period in my life where a lot of spiritual matters across a variety of fronts - although I think it was all pretty well connected, and at some point maybe I'll attempt to piece it all together in something coherent. Today is not that day, however, and so I stick to the front I've been dealing with - my friend Lynn's condition.

As stated, I was struggling. To be quite honest, I was probably back to square one, in a place where I had lost hope and was resigning myself to what I had become convinced was the inevitable. There was only one problem with that - the whole thing about believing God had spoken to me telling me something different. So I re-evaulated those events of 2 years ago over and over again. At first, I believed I was just going back over things to re-affirm my belief in them, but later on it became clear that I was really trying to find a way to convince myself it hadn't happened, or that it hadn't meant what I thought it meant. I figured if I could do that, I could let all of this go and deal with what was ahead.

There was only one problem - I couldn't do it. No matter how many ways I looked at that night of September 10th, 2007, and the weeks that had followed, I couldn't deny what had happened. I'm not sure I can describe what it's like to be in that place - having somehow managed to lose hope that something was going to happen, while being firmly convinced that God had, in fact, told me that it WAS going to happen. Yeah, seriously, figure that one out. Somehow, that's where I was at.


In order to get there, I'm pretty sure you have to have trust issues with God, and the fact that I did was something else I was learning throughout the summer. I was basically feeling like God had told me something while fully intending to do something different. Not that I would have admitted that to anyone else (or even myself) at the time, but its where I was at. Is it any wonder I was feeling like I was hitting a wall in my relationship with God at about this time?


Anyhow, September rolled around, and it had been a couple months since I'd last seen Lynn. In the interim, I'd heard via their newsletter that the doctors believed that he had about 3-6 months to live based on the way his breathing ability was being diminished. Let's just say that didn't help me anyhow. Lynn sent me a personal e-mail in mid-September, and I realized again just how long it had been since I had seen him, so despite my discomfort, we began discussing getting together, and I wound up making plans to see him on the first Saturday in October.


A few days before this visit, my Dad was up here for a visit, and in the course of our conversations, I confessed to him that I was having a hard time finding peace with Lynn's situation, and asked for prayer. As we talked about this, I articulated a lot of what I just shared for the first time. At one point, Dad asked me point blank "Are you mad at God?"


At the time, I said I didn't know, but the next two mornings, I basically spent my morning times with God yelling at him about this. "How could You let this go on so long?" "Where have You been in all of this?" "Why did You tell me You were going to heal him if You weren't?" "Why didn't You just leave me out of all this - it would have been easier." And then, though I don't know that I knew it at the time, I got down to the heart of the matter: "God, I feel like I've been made a fool for believing this for so long." All of it things that I had been feeling for so long, but hadn't been willing to allow myself to say, even to myself, let alone God. Remember that thing I said previously about how bad it is to keep feelings bottled up just because you don't think God would like them? Second time I dealt with that on this journey in a major way.

As I vented on and on, I didn't sense God speaking to me, in terms of giving me some great answer to my specific questions. And to be honest, I didn't expect Him to. I'm only now fully reading through Job for the first, but I've known for a long time how that story ends, and that I was asking questions of God to which I wasn't really entitled an answer. What I did sense was an acceptance, kind of an "Okay, Scott, now that you're being honest with me, we can deal with this" As I took off my mask, the lines of communication were open again.

So the next day, Dad and I made our visit to Lynn. I said before how Lynn makes it difficult to be discouraged when you are with him, because his own faith remains so steadfast, and this particular visit was probably the best personal experience I have had to confirm that. There he was, confined to his recliner, using the movements of his head to type out phrases on his computer, and yet as convinced as that day over 2 years ago that healing was coming. He shared with us a story about how God had spoken to him on the very day that he had gotten the report from the doctor that he had 3-6 months to live. My own struggles with what was going on weren't gone, but here was the other side of the story, the side that was so easy for me to forget - and that I desperately needed to hear. I was seeing God's hand in this again, in a way that had been obscurred for so long. It was so evident that God was with Lynn in the midst of all this, even if at the moment, it didn't look the way I wanted it to.

There was something else that happened that day that was pivotal in what God was doing in my heart, beyond my specific response to Lynn's illness. I saw in Lynn what Paul spoke of Abraham in Romans 4 - beliveing in hope against all hope, facing the fact that his body was as good as dead, without weakening in his faith, without wavering through unbelief regarding the promise of God, being strengthened in his faith and giving glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He has promised. I saw Lynn, even with his body on verge of complete failure, as someone who was more alive than I, in my near perfect health, had ever been. It was humbling, to say the least, and it made me think on all of this in a new way.

In the days that followed, I found myself saying to God: "Now, this isn't a request, but I believe if I had to through what Lynn has to get to where he is with You, it would be worth it. And so if walking through this alongside Lynn in the way You've chosen me to do is part of what you need to do to make me into the person You designed me to be, and to bring me into a a deeper relationship with You, then I'm okay with that too." It's probably the most realistic picture I've ever had of what's really being said in Romans 8:28.

But make no mistake, none of this means that I've given up on Lynn's healing. And I think I've got one last post in me to talk about that.

Consumed by doubts

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So, over two years have passed since the first part of this story took place. I'm not going to spend a lot of time walking through the whole journey of those two years, but I will give you some of the highlights.

As previously mentioned, Lynn and family had been scheduled to head back to Thailand on September 12th, 2007, 2 days after our team meeting. That was obviously postponed, and over the next few weeks/months, Lynn underwent more thorough testing that confirmed the initial belief of the doctors that he had ALS. There actually isn't (or at least wasn't then) a test that conclusively diagnoses ALS, basically they test for everything else that could cause the symptoms in question, and if they don't find anything, ALS is diagnosed.

Not too long after getting the diagnosis, Lynn began making plans to return to Thailand. At the time, his symptoms were essentially isolated to his face, weakening the muscles of his jaw, mouth, etc and making his speech somewhat slurred. The family returned to Thailand in February of 2008, hopefully that Lynn's healing would come in short order. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. His condition continued to deteriorate, and at the end of September (right about the time the Phillies were finishing up another exciting regular season finish) word came back that they would be returning to the States in early November.

All the while, I was still processing and dealing with this as best I could, and it wasn't easy. First of all, I didn't really know what to do with the kind of promise I believed that God had made. I mean, seriously, what would you do with it? It was exciting and hopeful, but yet healing hadn't come right away. If you are regulars to my blog, you might remember that I once wrote about going a number of months (until I went back to Thailand with a team from McBIC in June of '08) before I would allow myself to grieve for what my friend was suffering through. I had convinced myself that expressing that pain would be showing a lack of faith in what God had promised. Can I tell you a lesson that I've had to learn a few different times through the years, and in fact, multiple times as I've witnessed what's happened with Lynn? Keeping thoughts, feelings, etc bottled up because you don't think they are "right" in God's eyes is about the worst thing you can ever do. Just because I didn't express the feelings didn't make them go away, and I certainly wasn't successfully hiding them from God - I was just keeping them inside, letting them tear me up without dealing with them. The fact that I was "trying" to keep them from God certainly didn't help that relationship. And in this case, as God later showed me when I allowed Him to, there was nothing wrong with the feelings in the first place. It hurt to see what my friend was suffering through, whether I believed healing was ultimately coming or not.

The real problem I was having, however, as this moved along, was my own ability to trust God. You see, it was really easy to believe that God could heal Lynn when the only thing that appeared wrong with him was some slurred speech. But when I went to join the welcoming party at the Harrisburg airport at their November return, when I saw Lynn being wheeled in on a wheelchair, looking much lighter and more frail, it suddenly became a different matter altogether in my head, and in my heart. When I realized I could hardly understand him at all anymore, the mountain seemed just that much higher. When I went to a prayer gathering for him a few nights after he came back, and saw that he had to be helped to walk back to the room, an ugly word started to play in my head, and in my heart: "Why?"

I thought I was at peace with God on the "why" question, that we had come to terms and I had seen His hand at work in this process when I was in Thailand. It "made sense" to me, but that was no longer the case. It didn't make any sense to me at all why, if God really was going to bring healing, that He continued to wait and allow my friend to suffer, to allow his friends and family to suffer watching him. I mean, hadn't Lynn been through enough? Hadn't he learned enough? Hadn't those of us around him learned enough? What possible reason could God have for continuing to delay? And as the "why" continued to go unanswered, the doubts played at my heart, subtley at first, but continued to build.

There was an all-night prayer time in March that we all believed God had asked for, that afterwards Lynn and others believed there had been a break, and that healing was completed, it was just a matter of seeing it come to pass. But after some immediate initial hopeful signs, things just continued to get worse. There was time at a healing service in March, where we pleaded and pleaded with God, and nothing. I remember checking myself at that point, wondering if continuing to implore God to do NOW what He had already said was done was demonstrating a lack of faith, but not having the first clue about what else to do.

At this point, it got really difficult for me to see Lynn, so I didn't. And it was pretty easy to avoid seeing him without really "trying" to avoid it. He was an hour away, the only times I really had a good opportunity to see him were at these Friday night prayer gatherings, which suddenly I could always find a good reason not to go to.

And so, it was over 3 months until the next time I saw him, at an open house when the family moved in July. I hadn't heard anything positive about his condition, and so I knew that aside from that, all that time was only going to mean he was in much worse shape. I had heard through the grapevine that he was in a wheelchair fulltime now. As I spent time with God that morning, knowing (and yet not really knowing) what I was getting ready for, I remember God asking me the question of the moment: "Do you still trust me on this? Do you trust that I have not been silent, or absent in this, and that what you see as a delay has all been part of my perfect plan?" My honest answer: "I don't think I do, but I want to."

When I got the open house, his condition was as bad as I had imagined, perhaps worse. He was in a motorized wheel chair, and he had to control it by pushing his nose against a joystick, as his hands just didn't have the function. He could barely speak at all - he had a computer that he could type on by using the motion of a dot on his glasses like a mouse, but that wasn't working that day, so communication was incredibly difficult. The most difficult thing for me to watch was when he wanted to hold his nearly year old daughter and we had to move his arms away, set her down in his lap, and then wrap his arms around her, because he couldn't do any of that on his own.

Now, I will say (and I'll elaborate on this more later) that even in the midst of all this, I was still okay when I was with Lynn. His spirit and faith throughout this have been remarkable, and he makes it really difficult to be discouraged when you are spending time with him. (Of course, it also sometimes served to make me feel guilty for my own doubts, but that was my problem, not his.) However, once I left that afternoon to begin the drive home, the physical reality of what I had witnessed began to overwhelm me, and I was fighting off tears the drive home, at times less successfully than others. This was a Sunday, so I had to go to CrossWalk in the evening. As we gathered for prayer with the leaders before the service, I felt the tears coming again and knew that I was going to lose the battle to fight them off at some point, so after the prayer I pulled my pastor aside and we went into a different room. When he asked me what was up, it was pretty much all I could do to get out "I saw Lynn Myers today after not seeing him for 3 months" before it all came loose and I wept bitterly on his shoulder. I just couldn't deal with this anymore, and whatever "brave" face I had had left to put on was gone.

And so, I went back into my pattern of finding "good" reasons not to make the trip down, and it was almost another 3 months before I saw him again. Fortunately for me, God had some work to do in my heart before that time came.