And so, after yet another lengthy hiatus, I am back. And I have a story to tell. I make no promises about how long it will take me to tell it, because I know that only gets me in trouble...
Much of this story happened over 2 years ago, and much of it I have never shared with more than a handful of people who are particularly close to me, or particularly close to the situation. This is for reasons that are my own, and which may become clear as I go along. I choose to share it more publically now, for reasons which are also my own, and which also may become clear as I go along. Have I piqued your curiosity yet?
Anyhow, I have written at various times over the last few years on this blog about my dear friend Lynn, who spent several years serving God in Thailand, and whose team I went on trips to support in 2007 and 2008. I've also mentioned that he is currently suffering from ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease, a degenerative nuerological disease in which, simply put, the brain gradually loses the ability to communicate with the rest of the body. There is no medical cure for ALS, and as such, it is fatal.
It was in late summer of 2007, while Lynn and his family were back in the US on home ministry, when I first heard the term "ALS" in connection with Lynn. The diagnosis wasn't official at this point, but it was what the doctors were strongly suspecting. I got an e-mail that Lynn sent out to some of his core support team with this news in it one day while I still was at work, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears in the middle of my office. I was stunned, especially since I didn't even know Lynn had been having the health difficulties that had led him to see the doctors in the first place. Needless to say, it was very difficult to finish off the day at work, but I got through it.
Oddly enough, I was going to be seeing Lynn in a few days. In the way of background, one commonality that Lynn and I share as friends is our love of the Phillies. We came by it in different ways - Lynn's entire family on his Dad's side are Phillies fans, stemming back to Lynn's paternal grandmother. (That's right, I said grandmother.) I, on the other hand, am first generation. My parents are both Phillies fans, but they got it from me, not the other way around. I'm not particularly sure why I'm a Phillies fan. I just always remember loving baseball, and that the Phillies were the first team I encountered. Anyhow, having gotten that little piece of information out the way (remember it, it will be important later), Lynn and I had planned a couple months before to attend that Friday night's Phillies game together. We had 5 1/2 or so hours in the car ahead of us, and one of the topics had obviously already been set.
I remember that car ride like it was yesterday. I spent much of the trip down uncomfortably babbling on about the many thoughts that had been running through my head over the few days between the news and the game. Much of my ramblings centered around my theology of healing - that God can and does heal, but doesn't always, and how whether Lynn lived or died I believed God would work good in it and bring glory to Himself, and advance His kingdom in Thailand. There was other stuff, but it was pretty much all variations on that theme. I kept running my mouth to the point where later in the car ride Lynn called me out for it, and let me know that I needed to work on my listening skills. Tough love, but he was right. Listening isn't always my best skill to begin with, and it can get really bad when I get uncomfortable.
I was uncomfortable because, the truth of the matter was this - I had basically conceded Lynn's life. Despite my belief in God's power to heal, when I had seen those letters "ALS", I had already made the determination, whether I would have admitted it to myself or not, that Lynn was going to die from this illness and whatever work God was going to do in this situation wasn't going to include healing. Why? I'm still not 100% sure to this day, but it will probably make more sense as I get further along. The simple fact of the matter was that I was fixated on the physical reality that was right in front of me, and defining God's work on the basis that this diagnosis, which was absolutely real, was the final word, and something that God was going to have to work within the boundaries of. Even though my "head" view of God allowed for a miraculous healing, my "heart" view of things had already ruled it out.
A little over 3 weeks later, on September 10th, I was gathered with Lynn, his wife Amy, and the rest of their core support team at Lynn's parents' house (where they were staying while on home ministry) for a team meeting. This was to have been our last meeting before Lynn and Amy returned to Thailand on September 12th, a return that was now on indefinite delay due to the medical situation. Obviously, there was only one subject on everyone's hearts.
As we gathered, Lynn began to share how God had given him the word that his sickness was not unto death, as in the story of Lazarus in John 11. Obviously, given where my heart was at, this was rather difficult for me to accept, and I approached it with requisite skepticism. "Of course that's what he heard, that's what he wanted to hear." and other variations on that theme were playing in my mind. I was hoping against hope that he was right, but really not believing that he was, for the most part.
As he continued to share, he spoke about the kind of people he wanted to have around him and supporting him in this time - people that wouldn't lose hope. Do you think that didn't drill right into my heart? I had completely lost hope and given Lynn up for dead from the minute I got that e-mail. Heck, the diagnosis wasn't even final yet - but that hadn't stopped me. I remember tearing up, wishing I could feel differently, but not finding it my heart to do so.
We ended the formal part of the meeting by gathering around Lynn and Amy and praying for them. As we prayed, my heart was moved and I prayed aloud, confessing that I had lost hope, and also claiming a willingness to trust Lynn, to trust in what he believed God was saying to him. And you know what, as I prayed that, I felt a release, and I believed that I could do it, that I could trust in what God was saying to Lynn. And maybe I could have, maybe that would have been enough (probably not). However, because of the events that followed, starting immediately after that meeting, I never really had a chance to find out.
2 months ago
No comments:
Post a Comment