A trip to the lighter side of things.

Okay, so I've been dealing with some pretty serious stuff in the world of sports over the last few entries. Today, I'm in a much lighter mood, so I thought I'd head back to the lighter side of things. Like for instance, this article, which is at present linked from the front page of ESPN.com: Seahawks kicker to wear heated pants vs. Packers. Now, I really didn't need to know what Josh Brown plans on having in his pants this weekend when he plays Green Bay. The fact that this was front page news indicates to me that it's been a rather slow news day. And yet, now that I am aware, I can't help but think of the possibilities.

Suppose it rains in Green Bay this weekend. Are his pants waterproof? If they aren't, are the battery powered devices he's going to put in the pants waterproof? What if it's raining or the field is wet? I can just see it now - the game comes down to a critical kick. The ball is snapped, Brown comes up to kick, and then one of the devices shorts out, with the resulting leg spasm causing him to send the kick hurtling into his long snapper's rear end, while nearly ripping his holder's arm off.

What if he has to make a tackle on a kickoff return, and the impact breaks open one of the batteries, causing battery acid to leak into his pants? I'm visualizing him being caught on camera dancing around the sidelines uncomfortably, while the commentators speculate on just what might be going on. Nature calling? Icy Hot in the jock strap? A sudden, uncontrollable urge to do the mambo?

Or maybe the devices malfunction and overheat, first causing him to break into an inexplicable sweat in the midst of the sub-freezing air at Lambeau, and then searing his legs and his uniform pants. I can't even begin to imagine what the announcers would do when the camera focuses on the smoke pouring from his pants. They are used to seeing steam rising from player heads during cold weather games, but this would be something entirely new and different. Unfortunately, John Madden won't be doing this game, because I'm not sure how we'd be able to get through this particularly without Madden going to the telestrator and circling the exact source of the smoke, while saying "I'm not sure Al, but it looks like smoke to me."

The reality is that none of these occurances is in any way likely, and the game will proceed without any of these humorous incidents. But darn it, if something were to go wrong, I can safely predict that Monday morning would be the best day in sports talk radio history.