Cleaning out the cobwebs

You might be led to think, based on the slowdown of activity on this blog of late, that I've become much more busy. There might be a grain of truth in that, but that gives me too much credit. I've just been very lazy, less introspective (at least in terms of my willingness to sit down and right about it) and haven't had much in the way of amusing experiences to relay. Also, I recently became active on Facebook, which is stealing some of my otherwise idle online time.

I feel a rush of awesome blog entries coming on, but I wouldn't hold my breath on that if I were you either :-)

Stating the obvious

PennDOT puts out a little daily news/informational blurb that comes up in Outlook as the first thing you see after logging into your e-mail. Many days I just click over to my inbox without reading it, but today for whatever reason, I decided to take a look. The article was about safety around trains/railroad tracks.

Most of these tips were just plain common sense, and it's sad that they feel like they need to tell people about these things. Let's be honest here - if you, as a pedestrian or a motorist, wind up in an incident with a train, either you've done something incredibly stupid, or something bizarre and completely out of your control happened.

One of the points really caught my attention, however. This point mentioned when approaching train tracks you should be cautious and remember that "trains always have the right of way".

I'll be honest here - I'm not sure that I knew that, in the legal sense, trains always had the right of way on the train tracks. The reason I didn't know that was because it never really occured to me that right of way was at issue when you're dealing with an oncoming train, and you're either on foot or behind the wheel of a car. I mean, seriously, if the train didn't legally have the right of way, would it really change anything in practice? The train is much larger, has no ability to manuever off the tracks, and is in all likelihood going much faster - of course it has the right of way. Pretty much every of physics is working in its favor.

Right of way isn't really at issue in a situation where a collision would leave one party completely obliterated and deal just a glancing blow to the other one, unless there's catastrophic stupidity involved on behalf of the first party. The same principle holds for pedestrians in crosswalks. The fact that you had the right of way and the motorist who plowed into you is liable for your death isn't going to provide much comfort to your friends and family at the funeral, so you'd probably better watch for traffic anyhow, especially since those white lines hold only the authority, and no physical power, to keep you safe from on-rushing vehicles.

If the question of who has the right of way actually enters your mind when dealing with potential encounter with a train, well, to be frank, you're probably going to wind up winning a Darwin Award someday, even if it isn't this particular day.

The "new addition"

So, after waiting a few weeks, yesterday I finally received a phone call telling me that I could come by the radio station to pick up the Brad Paisley autographed guitar that I won for being charitable at the end of January.

The full view, for effect

Closeup on the autograph

Unfortunately, it appears to be too much to ask for a star of any kind to have an autograph that could actually be identified as their signature just by looking at...

I was actually pleasantly surprised by the guitar itself. I was pretty much expecting it to be your basic, cheap guitar, pretty much like the one I already own that came in a box set. And, while it certainly wouldn't come anywhere near the level of the kind of guitar that a real serious guitar player would play, its definitely a step up from what I own. At the very least, it's more attractive. I restrung it (I wasn't impressed with the condition of the strings, and there was a silica gel packet rattling around inside that I couldn't get to with the strings on), tuned it up, and there it sits on my guitar stand. I figure as little as I actually play around with my guitar, I can actually use this one without worrying about diminishing its condition. Of course, perhaps having a better guitar that is signed by such a talented singer/guitar player will inspire me to get serious about the instrument again, but holding your breath regarding that occurance wouldn't be advisable :-)

My primary concern at this point is Chaser's interest in it. I was hoping since it was just replacing another guitar, it wouldn't attract his attention, but it seems to have anyhow.

Finishing the retreat story, at long last

I really need to stop stating my intentions regarding when particular postings will occur. I thought, since I was in a lull in terms of how regularly I was posting, that such statements would motivate me. This, however, has not turned out to be the case, and has only served to make me look perhaps even more negligent. So, from now on, no more promises. You'll get what you get, when you get it, and you'll LIKE IT! :-)

So, anyhow, here's the last entry in my retreat saga, which will wrap up my storytelling of the event, only 4 weeks after it occured!

One of the things that kind of stinks about these weekend retreats for us CrossWalk folk is that, unlike "normal" church folk who go to church on Sunday morning, we can't necessarily just come home and relax for a Sunday evening after one of these things. And you invariably need some time to come down off of these things. We, however, still had to do church on Sunday evening, and being that we are the leadership, all of us bailing wasn't an option. When we left things, the member of our team who was going to be leading that night had told us his plan was just going to be to have us all share about the experience we had just had. I liked that idea, but encouraged him to make sure we led that in a fashion that made it a two way conversation.

He had actually left on Saturday night, and by the time I arrived at CrossWalk on Sunday evening, about 30 minutes before the service, that plan had changed, and he felt that we needed to do the last listening exercise we had done at the retreat with everyone - and that I needed to lead it. I was a bit taken aback, but also excited, because I had kind of been thinking the same thing. So, I collected myself and later in the service, that was just what we did.

As folks were sharing what they had heard, my friend, the one who had started the whole story of the week by driving me batty the Sunday before, got up and shared that God had brought to his mind the parable of the talents. I neglected to mention that I got pretty emotional while sharing about this friend during the retreat, and I got all teared up again, because I even more completely understood what God had been saying to me in that time. In the human arena, he would definitely be classified as a 1 talent guy. But in the story, that man with just the one talent buried it and didn't do anything with it. God was showing me that part of what He was calling me to do with MY talents was to help my friend use his one talent for everything it was worth, and that that was an incredibly great thing. What a wild set of bookends for the whole week.

That evening also crystalized for me what was ultimately the biggest lesson of the week for me. I had heard it said a couple times throughout the weekend, and again that evening, what a great job I had done leading the weekend. I received that, but at the same time, it was so clear to me that it wasn't about me at all. I was nervous, I was stumbling at times, I left some things out, etc. All that I had done was listen to God, and been obediant to what I believed He was calling me to do - He had taken care of all the rest. And so, as I spoke to close the service, I shared that, and also just encouraged everyone to really begin listening to God themselves, and doing they heard. The big lesson for me, that God really drove home, is that He doesn't move because of great speakers, although He uses great speakers. He doesn't move because of gifted leaders, though He uses gifted leaders when He moves. God moves when ordinary people like me, and like you, and like anyone else, listen to His voice, and do what He says. It's that simple.

Of course, the word I used there is simple, meaning uncomplicated, and not easy, meaning, well, easy :-)

So, that brings me to the end of this particular story. I appreciate those who have followed along with me while I processed this even for myself, and that its made sense through all the twists and turns.

Another "getting older" moment

I promise, I'll get the last segment of the retreat story up, probably even tonight. But I've realized that my extended run of self-reflection has robbed me of opportunities to post some lighter material, because when I sit down to blog, I feel like I should be doing the heavier stuff, and that can be fairly daunting. It's probably why my posting has been so sporadic recently even though I have plenty to talk about. So, rather than let this one go until I finish my heavier stuff (which, quite frankly may never happen, because I've got more than just the retreat), I'm going to go with it, knowing that at some point the retreat story will get finished.

Anyhow, while I know I'm not "old" in the grand scheme of things, but I am definitely getting older, and I get reminders of that from time to time. One of my biggest wake-up calls on this front came a year or so ago, when I realized how many things I could remember that had happened 20 years or more ago. It hadn't bothered me right when I turned 20 that there were things that had happened 20 years ago that were within my lifetime, because if I couldn't remember them, did they really count? But, by the time I hit 26-27, I couldn't escape that anymore.

This week's reminder is in that mold. As I remind you frequently, I like country music, and its what I listen to at work. My folks, particularly my Dad, have always had at least some sort of connection with country (its hard not to growing up in rural southcentral PA), but when I was around 7 or 8, there was definitely a stronger connection there - particularly with Randy Travis. I remember that we had a couple of his tapes in the car that would play rather frequently.

All of this is to say, this week, as I was listening to the radio, I heard Carrie Underwood's new single for the first time. It sounded really familiar, and then it hit me - it was a cover of "I Told You So", originally sung by none other than Randy Travis. Now, it's in no way uncommon for a contemporary artist to cover a classic song, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time that I've been aware of someone covering a "classic" that I can remember hearing when it was new. It's another one of those experiences I'd have gladly been willing to put off for another decade or so.

Now, admittedly, this probably didn't sting as much as it could have, because, while I remember the song from when it was new, it's still more of a song from my parent's generation than from mine. I wasn't really making my own musical selections yet at age 8. I'm sure it will be much less pleasant for me 20 years from now, when someone is covering a "classic" tune by Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, etc. Of course, I just realized that by writing this, I've made sure my parents are aware of the existance of this cover, speeding along the very experience I'm dreading...

Sorry Mom and Dad. Love you!

Reflecting

So, I'm back again. I've decided I'm going to endeavor to contain my reflections on the retreat weekend in no more than 2 posts, which I hope to have completed by tomorrow or Thursday. I simply have to get this finished and move on, because I'm way behind and I'll never catch up at my current pace. God is just doing so much in and around my life right now. Suffices to say, I think this recent period of a few months will be one of those before/after periods in my life, a clear and definite turning point.

Anyhow, the first time we spent listening to God at the retreat was in response to the story of Jesus calling the little children to come to Him. This, as you might recall, was our "practice" session. As I sat down from starting the exercise for the team, and really allowed myself to focus in on Jesus myself, I sensed him asking me, in that picture, why I wasn't coming all the way to him, or at least why I hadn't yet. A very fair question indeed. I've been following Christ, in one manner or another, for pretty much my whole life. I didn't formally accept Christ until I was 5 or 6, but I grew up in the church, loved Sunday School, believed the stories, etc, so it was always pretty much just a matter of when, as opposed to if. However, I've spent a lot of my life being a "good Christian" as opposed to truly seeking after Christ and really drawing near to him. It was okay being near Jesus and just kind of being associated with him, but to REALLY go to him? That's scary. So, right away, I had a point to dwell on. I won't elaborate much further on that sort of things, because as I get beyond the retreat, that'll come out in more detail.

Our second listening session was regarding the purpose/identity of CrossWalk. As I listened in this time, I was immediately drawn to 1 Corinithians 14, starting with verse 26. People often tread lightly around this section of Scripture, because it deals primarily with a couple of tender issues for many churches - tongues, and women in the church. That wasn't where I was really drawn, however. I was more taken with the beginning of it, "When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church." The word "everyone" especially jumped off the page at me. I'm not about to get into a debate about the merits of the traditional Western way of doing church, I'm really not that concerned about anything beyond what God has for me and my church. But the simple fact of the matter is that that way of doing church does not start with Paul's statement as a base assumption. We pretty much pre-determine which certain people will speak, lead, and build up the church on a given Sunday. We don't operate under the assumption that anyone in attendance might have something that the church needs on that given day. And as much as CrossWalk had started out with the mind of being non-traditional, that had come to apply about as much to CrossWalk's way of doing church as any other church out there. Coupled with a number of other things I had been seeing, hearing, sensing leading up to the retreat, it was quite clear to me that God had a design for CrossWalk that looked much more like 1 Corinthians 14 than what we do at McBIC on a Sunday morning, or had been doing at CrossWalk on a Sunday evening.

The last reflection time was started by looking at John 14:12 and asking God what great things he had to do for His kingdom through each of us. The first thing I heard God tell me was that I am a writer, and that that was not a gift I was to keep to myself. This was quite convicting, because the reality is that, for the most part, I have kept it to myself. I mean, I say I'm a writer, I tell people I'm a writer, I blog for friends to read. And yet, to this point, I hadn't really done much in the way of really keeping my eyes open for ways to use my writing to serve God, and the church. Think it was a coincidence that I had had that devotional to do, and that I didn't get it done until right before the retreat? I know I don't. That's why I jumped at the chance to write a second devotional when asked, and I'm really asking God for opportunities, and trying to keep my eyes open for when he presents them.

Moving on from that, I felt God drawing me to the extent to which He's challenged me and drawn me to expect more of Him recently, to expect Him to be who He says He is, to do what He says He will do. I sensed that He has designs for me to use that word to challenge others to do the same. That, coupled with the writing, has me seriously pondering whether there isn't a larger writing in me that I need to start working on getting out :-) I'm not sure if its a book, but who knows?

Lastly, I got a picture of my friend. You remember him, he's the one with some special needs who frustrated me to the point of blowing up at him the Sunday before the retreat. You know, while I've always believed on some level that God had some work to do in his life as a result of my relationship with him, I've always tended to look at that relationship from the perspective of what God's using it to do in me. He's taught me more patience than I could ever have dreamed, and I've also learned a thing or two about unconditional love. And yet, as I sat in that moment, it became so clear to me that God so deeply desired to do incredible things (beyond my imagination) in his life, at least in part through our relationship. It was a very humbling moment, and a major perspective shift that I've carried through into my interactions with him since. (More on that in the next post)

So, I've successfully gotten through all my various reflections in one post, which just leaves the next post to discuss what happened at CrossWalk the evening we got back, and then I can move on!

Seeking and Finding

So, I've decided that my best approach at this point is going to be to use this post to give a synopsis of the remaining events of our Saturday, and then spend some posts reflecting on some of the things that I personally took away from the experience. There was so much that was shared and heard, etc by everyone that I couldn't do it justice, and would likely wind up misrepresenting some other folks.

Anyhow, after the experience we had talking about how we had all heard from God, we began to transition into our primary purpose for the day, and that was... hearing from God. First we started with a "practice session", as suggested by my mentor Joe. Now, it seems a bit silly to talk about "practicing" hearing from God - what we were really doing was spending some time listening regarding something that was not the central topic of our time.

A technique that Joe recommended to faciliate a time of listening to God was to use a Scripture, describe the scene and read through the Scripture, having folks imagine themselves in the scene, and then using that to focus them on a picture of Christ as they seek to listen. That is what we did for our "practice" session, and I (at Joe's suggestion) used the story of Jesus and the little children, as appears throughout the gospels (I think I used the Mark account, but it's not really that important). We spent some time listening in that picture/scene, and then got together and shared. It was pretty clear that God was really ready to speak as we listened. Having had our "practice" session, we had a bit longer session on our topic du jour (what God's purpose of CrossWalk is), and then had our no-lunch lunch break.

While we were on our break, and many of us took a beach walk in like 40 degree sunshine, perhaps the most pivotal event of the weekend happened. One of our members got word that his niece had overdosed overnight, and was in the hospital with a less than stellar prognosis. As we reconnected, he shared this with us, and that they were getting ready to do dialysis, etc, etc. Of course, we prayed, and then we went into a time of worship in preparation for our afternoon session. As we were finishing up our singing, he got a call that whatever blood level (bad) they were monitoring regarding the decision for dialysis, etc (I'm not a whiz on the technicalities of what happened). had significantly dropped, and things were looking much better. More excitement.

For our final time of listening to God, I took a cue from something I heard sensed earlier in the day, and the verse I had done my devotional on back on Thursday, and we went into the Last Supper scene, to the point of John 14:12 ("I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing, he will do even greater things..."), and asked God what great things He had for each of us to do for His kingdom. Another great time of sharing and hearing from God followed. By the end of our time, it was clear that God had spoken to each person individually at least once during the day. So much more than I had hoped and imagined when dreaming of the retreat. (Hey, that sounds familiar.)

We closed our formal time by breaking our fast with communion - and let's just say we did it with a bit more than wafers and the little communion glasses :-) It was just a very special way to seal our time.

On the lighter side of things, the next order of business was to REALLY break our fast, and so it was off to Outback Steakhouse, where we wound up having to endure about a 25 minute wait before even getting a table. We had had menus at our disposal while waiting, so when the waitress came the first time, we ordered drinks, appeitizers, and our meals all at once. I really would have liked to have heard our servers honest opinions about what she witnessed at our tables in terms of our eating, because we were so ridiculously ravenous, and just inhaled a good portion of the meal. I'm sure we had to have been quite a sight. The rest of our evening was about relaxation and enjoying each other's company, and then we headed home on Sunday morning.

So, there's the story (although there's one final follow-up piece I'll hit when I'm reflecting on the lessons), and next, I'll start the good stuff - what did all mean, what did I learn, etc, etc.

Hearing from God

I must apologize for how sporadic I've been at continuing my retreat story. There's been a good bit going on with me lately (not busyness persay, but just stuff), much of it along the lines of the kinds of things I'll be sharing about the retreat, and all very good. If I can ever get all caught up, it will make for a pretty awesome collection. But anyhow, back to the story...

So, our team made it to Ocean City, NJ for the retreat, absent on the trip down (and altogether, really) the messy weather that the doom and gloom (and constantly wrong this year) weather forecasters had said would meet us. As is typical when we do a retreat at this location, we got in around 8:30-9. We had our first (and only major) glitch of the weekend when we found out that the realtor had forgotten to leave us the key to the 2nd condo we had rented. Fortunately we had enough room at the primary place, the 2nd condo was just to make sleeping arrangements a bit better for our married couples.

We basically just unpacked and then chilled for a while before turning in on Friday night. We awoke Saturday morning, and without having to worry about the "chore" of making/getting and eating breakfast, we got right to it. We had a time of worship and then just really spent some serious time praying that God would guide our time, protect us from any interference, help us to focus in on him, etc.

After that, my mentor Joe had suggested that the first order of business when preparing to go into a time of listening to God was to have a discussion about hearing from God, how that happens, various forms, etc. As I had been praying about our time, my sense was that the way that discussion should start was to simply ask everyone to share when the last time they felt they had clearly heard from God was, and how it had happened. Since I had an obvious answer to the question (my experience from the Tuesday before the retreat), I led off.

This time was my first tangible confirmation that God really had something special in store for us that day. A couple of others shared their stories, and then one of our number started to share, and he said that he felt like God had spoke to him even as we were sharing. He shared how as the first few of us had been sharing, he had been struggling with a bad attitude/some unbelief - kind of a "This isn't real, they aren't really hearing from God" sort of mentality (been there, done that myself, many times btw), but then he really felt God's conviction asking him why, if none of this was real, was it being fought against so strongly? Good question, huh? And then another one of the guys said he felt like God had spoke to him even as the first was sharing. Totally awesome! Even in this time of discussion, when we weren't even "trying" to hear from God, he was speaking, and was using the time to clear away some doubt and other obstacles to what He was going to share with us as the day went on.

I had been very excited for the weekend before, but I was totally stoked at this point. God was showing up and proving so faithful!

Feeling a bit charmed...

Okay, so I promise to get on with my retreat story, perhaps even with another entry tonight, but I have to step in with a quick interlude due to today's events...

Long time fans of this blog may remember how I wound up in the 5th row of the Carrie Underwood/Keith Urban concert in Hershey last Valentine's Day. (And if you don't, here's a reminder.) For the quick version, the local country radio station does a radiothon to benefit St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital every year (as do something like 900 country radio stations nationwide in the course of a year). Last year I finally "broke down" and became a "Partner in Hope" (that's St. Jude's term for someone who commits to a minimum monthly donation throughout a year). Like most teleathon/radioathon type events, this one has various incentives to provide extra enticement for people who might want to give. The incentive during the hour I gave last year was to be entered in a drawing to win tickets in the 5th through 1st row at the concert, and I won the 5th row seats.

Well, fast forward to today, and it was radioathon time again. I've since decided that St. Jude's will be my charity of choice (outside of my commitments to giving to missions work), and so I was planning on re-upping as a "Partner in Hope" for this year. Having already made the choice to give again, I decided to wait a bit to see if there were any incentives I found particularly interesting. The incentive for the 1 pm hour caught my attention - being entered into a drawing to win a guitar autographed by Brad Paisley. I'm guessing that you've deduced by now that I wouldn't be telling this story if I hadn't won, and you're right. I was pretty stunned when they read my name again this year, especially since they had just read it about 10 minutes earlier, as one of the handful of those who signed on as Partners in Hope that they thanked by name over the air. (I had been listening most of the day, and I think they'd gone to the pile for names maybe 3 times, for a total of 8 to 10 people, but they did it like 2 minutes after I got off the phone after calling in my donation)

So, I guess you could say I'm feeling a bit charmed at the moment. I'd go play the lottery, but I actually think there's something else at work here, which is why there may be a Part 2 to this story coming at some point...

Getting back to it

Whoops. Definitely did not mean to take such a long break in my storytelling. Oh well, I'm back. This entry will be the last piece of the background, and then we'll actually get to the retreat itself.

Back in the beginning of December, my pastor put out a call to the church for people to contribute devotional writings on the theme "Breaking Free" for a book that we will use as a church for the 40 days of Lent. I'm not generally a fan of packaged devotional programs, but I have to say, I thought having a devotional that was created entirely from the church body was one of the coolest ideas ever, and being a writer, I quickly said yes. The due date for the entries was the Sunday of the retreat. I procrastinated for the first month, and then after the new year, was geninuely trying to get the thing written, but coming up blank on inspiration, until the day before we left for the retreat, when God led me to John 14:12 and I wrote the following:

“I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” – John 14:12

At first glance, you may wonder what connection that verse has with the theme of breaking free. Allow me to explain: For me, the transformational reality of my recent life has been my ability to break free from the prison of my own low expectations.

You see, for me, it was always very easy to believe that God was capable of doing incredible things, even beyond all I could ask or imagine, as we’re told in Ephesians. Where it broke down for me was in my willingness to believe that God could use me to do those things. I resigned myself to a fairly trivial experience in terms of my relationship with God, and you could see that in the way I spoke about myself, both to myself and to others – “I’m not really someone who hears from God.” “I’m not an intercessor.” “I’m not…” – you get the picture. And, of course, I was right – not because that was the way things had to be, but because it was how I expected them to be. These were all self-fulfilling prophecies that limited the extent to which God could work in my life. God couldn’t speak to me, because since I didn’t expect to hear from Him, I didn’t listen. God couldn’t use me as an intercessor, because since I didn’t think I could do it, I didn’t try. The list goes on, but I’m working within a space limit here so I’ll leave it at that. Suffice to say I wasn’t really buying the notion that God could do the same things, and even greater, things through me that Jesus did.

However, the thing that jumps off the page to me about this verse is that Jesus gives no disclaimers or qualifications – it very clearly applies to anyone who has faith in Him. Guess what? I’m anyone! And so are you. The question is, do we believe it, and more importantly, do we live like we believe it? When we seek Him, do we expect to find Him? When we pray, do we expect to see answers? When we listen, do we expect Him to speak? Do we expect God to do great things through us?

Our honest answers to these questions will largely define the extent to which God is able to work in us and through us. As I’ve been able to truthfully answer “Yes” to more of those questions in my own life, I’ve begun to find Him more, see more answers, hear Him more, and so forth. It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?


PS: As a side story, apparently not everyone fulfilled their commitments to write, and we wound up short of 40 entries, so at my pastor's request, I'm now on the hook to write the devotional for Easter Sunday. No pressure there, right? :-)

Letting God fill in the gaps

One of the lessons God taught me through the retreat experience, before we even got to the retreat, was that of his ability to fill in the gaps of my inadequacy, assuming that I'm following his plan.

In my last entry, I mentioned an "e-prayer" I got from one of the other core team members shortly after my Tuesday evening touch from God. Turned out that my prayer request ended up sparking an awesome "e-prayer" meeting on our core team's discussion group, with virtually everyone chiming in. It was pretty awesome, in that it became very clear that our hearts were being focused on what God had in mind for us, and that God was using what had been meant for evil to bring good about, both in my life and for our team.

However. what also grew out of that prayer time was the revelation that about half of the team was (or at least had been) down on the plan to fast during the retreat. You see, we had a number of first time fasters, and so there was not much in the way of an understand of what we were doing, and what the purpose was for it. And, retrospectively, I never really talked about that with the team.

The reason for that was rather simple - I first fasted when I was a teenager in youth group, and have fasted many times since. I won't say that fasting is easy for me, but it's not a big deal for me at all. I've been through it, seen how God has used it, not had any really bad experiences, etc. At this point in my life, if I'm feeling led to fast, or if someone else ask me to join them in fasting for something, its just something I do and don't think a whole lot about. Since it wasn't a big deal to me, I didn't really anticipate it being a big deal for anyone else. Of course, it was easy for me to forget that the first time I did it, it was a big deal. So, not having a serious conversation with the team about it was a significant oversight on my part, one which left unaddressed could have really de-railed the trip.

Fortunately, as I've said, God is more than happy to fill in the gaps for our inadequacy when we're walking in his will. What also came out in that "prayer meeting", and the following discussion, was the extent to which God had already been working on those who confessed to having bad attitudes. That, coupled with a bit of follow-up on my part, created a much different dynamic than I might have otherwise expected under the circumstances. I won't say I had the most enthusiastic group of fasters ever, but I had a very obediant (to God, not to me) group, and as I'm learning more and more these days, that's really all that counts in the grand scheme of things.

Facing opposition

My week did NOT get off to a good start last week, and trouble started on the evening of the first day of the week, that being Sunday. In the way of background, I have a friend who I serve as kind of a mentor for. I won't go into a ton of detail here, but suffice to say he has some special needs that present some unique challenges and require patience, which I sometimes run short on, though I've learned more than I ever had before as a result of our relationship. I love him dearly, but he be extremely frustrating at times, and Sunday night was one of those times. We had gotten together for what I thought was a really good conversation on Saturday, and what did he do as soon as he saw me at CrossWalk on Sunday night, but come over and do exactly what we had spent a good part of that conversation talking about not doing. Later in the service he did something else that we've been over again and again. He topped it off after the service by coming over and interrupting a conversation I was having to tell me that the Eagles had won, something I had told him (and everyone else) I didn't want to know, since I was DVRing the end of the game to watch when I got home. I totally lost my patience and blew up at him. And of course, me being me, I felt absolutely terrible about that later. So that was how I went into my work week.

And then there was Monday and Tuesday. Have you ever one of those times where for a stretch of a couple days, it just seems like every little stupid thing that can go wrong and frustrate you does? Nothing big and earth shattering, just a long string of small things. Well, that was basically my first two days of the work week. There was a personal issue here, a logistical issue there, etc, etc. And of course, when you become frustrated and distracted, you start compounding the problem by doing stupid stuff yourself, like getting halfway between your building and the parking garage and remembering you don't have any cash and that's all the parking garage takes. (Bear in mind, the only reason I was parked in the garage that day was because they had started working on the road I usually take to get the bus and the required detour meant I missed the bus) Anyhow, by the end of the work day on Tuesday, I found myself just feeling totally overwhelmed with frustration. I was staring blankly at my computer monitor, blinking back tears, and like I said, for no real major reason.

As I was reflecting on this on my walk halfway to the parking garage, and then back to my building and the ATM, and then onto the parking garage again, it struck me that the timing of this was somewhat suspect. Now, I believe there is an enemy who does attack, but I tend to not be one who is looking for the devil behind every stumble, struggle, or misstep. However, given what I was preparing for in the coming weekend and the convergence of everything, I really got the sense I was being hit with some opposition. Now, this realization was satisfying on one level, because I saw it as confirmation that God had something in mind for this weekend. It was, however, not very pleasant to live through. So, when I got home, I called Joe and asked for his prayers, and sent out an e-mail to the rest of the core team asking for the same. I also spent some time praying.

Later in the evening, I had transitioned from prayer to really just listening and waiting on God. Now, I've said before that I didn't used to think of myself as someone who heard from God very often. That attitude has since changed, but it would be factually correct to say that, to this point in my life, I haven't been someone who has seen visions from God. Well, I'm here to tell you that I saw a vision last Tuesday night. And it was totally out of left field relative to where my mind was at the time, so I'm sure it was God :-) I saw a hand appear and reach down into my chest. I suddenly became very, very aware of my heartbeat, and the words of Ezekial 36:26 came to my mind (well, I didn't know the reference at the time, but I knew the quote): "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

Whoa. I'm pretty sure I still haven't come to understand everything that happened in that time. However, at that moment, I felt a real release from everything that had been weighing me down over the last 48 hours or so. A few minutes later, there was a *ding* from my computer announcing the arrival of an e-mail from one of the other core team members in response to my prayer request, in which he had written an "e-prayer" (more on e-prayers in a future entry) that he had to have been praying right as I was in that moment with God. Pretty wild. Whatever lingering frustration or heaviness I may have had was later completely erased by what was easily the best and most refreshing night of sleep I had had in a long time.

It would be nice to say that I got up the next day and just floated through an incredible end of the week, but that wouldn't be true. The rest of the week was pretty much just a typical week. However, my anticipation for what God was up to was only growing as we got closer to the weekend .

Laying the foundation

So, the idea for this past weekend's retreat was born in the late summer, and it was put on the calendar at some point around September/October, without a whole lot more thought about it for a month or so. Somewhere in there I felt the additional sense that we needed to fast as a team through our prayer and seeking time, and I put that word out to the team as well.

(Note - this is going to be one of those jumps that might not seem to make sense for a bit, but I promise I'll bring it back around, perhaps even by the end of this post)

Due to some issues I had been wrestling with in my own life for a while, I had told my pastor at some point in this timeframe that I really felt I needed to find a spiritual mentor to provide me with accountabilty and to really hold my feet to the fire and spur me in my relationship with God. Nothing had happened with that, until a Sunday evening toward the end of November. We had a special speaker at CrossWalk that night, and I really felt God saying that I needed to follow through with that idea. So, I pulled my pastor aside after the service to discuss it. He brought up Joe, the man from the couple I mentioned in my previous post. I didn't really know Joe a whole lot, and kind of thought it wouldn't be a particularly natural fit, but I was also intrigued by the idea, so I agreed to get together with him and see how it would go. We setup a meeting for the first Monday in December, but with the Thanksgiving holiday in between, Joe actually forgot and didn't show up that first night, so we postponed for the following Monday.

In the interim, we had our December Core Team meeting, which was going to be our last "business" meeting prior to the retreat. Because of all the various things I mentioned in my background post, we were facing some very significant decisions and so forth regarding our direction. Up until this point, I had been selling the retreat as a time where we would have nothing on the agenda but praying and listening to God, and processing what we heard Him saying. However, at this meeting, I got a bit spooked, and that, coupled with some suggestion by our team that we really needed to discuss a few things, led me to start creating an agenda for the retreat.

Back to Joe - we met the following Monday, and without me even bringing up the retreat or anything about it, our conversation led me to process the decision I had made the prior week, and determine that I needed to hold onto what I believed God had originally laid on my heart. I shared this with Joe and he affirmed that course of action, if that was what I really believed was the vision God had given me, and it was. I pulled my pastor aside at the next opportunity and let him know I was taking those items we had put on the agenda back off, and that they would only come out if we weren't getting anywhere listening to God, or if that was how we sensed God leading. At the time, Joe's missing of our first meeting was an annoyance to me and an embarrassment to Joe, but I really believe that God used it, because had we met before that core team meeting, I think there's a very good chance I would have made the change of plans and then never looked back. Joe did agree to be my mentor, but due to the holidays and some other complications, we haven't had a formal meeting since then, though we've had a number of conversations.

As it was, I was left my original vision, which was was something that, not only had I never led before, I had never really even been involved in something like this. How in the world do you spend an entire morning and afternoon (that was the schedule I had in mind) listening to God while staying focused, without falling asleep, etc? Re-enter Joe, as this was an area of his expertise. I tapped his experience and together we put together a framework for our time.

That pretty much brings us up to the week before the retreat, the story of which will start the Sunday before the retreat.

Some background...

Okay, so before I get into the story of my retreat this past weekend, I need to lay some groundwork, starting with some disclaimers.

First of all, this will be a series of posts, much like my reflections from Thailand, though possibly not as long. I will, however, be laying this out over several days, simply because there's way too much for a post of civilized length.

Secondly, the full story goes back across about 6 weeks, and contains a number of moving parts. So, if it seems like there's a bit of jumpiness from one post to the next for a while, it's probably because there is. I promise to bring everything back together in the end, or at least to try really hard to do so!

And now, for some background. For those who don't know, or who do know but forgot, I attend CrossWalk Community, more typically referred to simply as CrossWalk. CrossWalk is a satellite congregation of the Mechanicsburg Brethren in Christ Church (better known as McBIC), which has been my home church for the last decade. What does that mean? Well, we're not totally sure we know either, but here are the particulars. We meet on Sunday evenings in the McBIC building. Our pastor is on the McBIC staff (also has duties with young adult ministry in general). If you become a member at CrossWalk, you're a member of McBIC. However, we do church a bit differently at CrossWalk. Rather than sitting in rows of chairs, we meet around tables. Instead of a sermon where only the pastor speaks and everyone else listens, we have time for discussion around our tables, and often have discussions with the whole group. The service was started with the goal to reach young adults, and also those who aren't comfortable in a traditional church setting.

CrossWalk launched over 3 years ago at the end of September in 2005, and got off to a fast start. For the first year to 18 months, we were averaging about 100 people on a given Sunday night, and seeing lots of spiritual fruit in the way off people coming to Christ and others who had been with Christ but been away coming back and rededicating their lives. It was a very, very exciting time. Then, as the newness started to wear off and our opening round of momentum faded, we started to see attendance dip, but were still seeing a great amount of life change. Not too long after our 2nd anniversary, we really started to struggle in a lot of ways, and 2008 in general was just a very tough year. Attendance really fell off and we just weren't seeing nearly the amount of fruit that we had before, though there were still some great stories.

I was on the original launch team for CrossWalk, and have served on the "core team" for probably 2+ years, though I don't remember exactly when I joined. Since summer 2007, I've been in leadership of that team. What is the core team, you ask? Well, that's a really good question, as it's really been evolving from the get go. The beauty of having a small church underneath a larger church is that we don't have to deal with much in the way of formal structure and governance, so we can be very flexible in trying to figure out what works, and we have been doing that almost from the beginning. However, the best description for the core team would be a church board/deacon board hybrid. It's a group of key lay leaders, along with our pastor, who serve to set direction and provide oversight to CrossWalk. My leadership role on that team, until recently, has mainly been administrative in nature - I would call the meetings, run them, follow up on things we decided, etc.

One of the encouraging things that we saw happening in the midst of some tough times at CrossWalk was a number of gifted leaders migrate towards CrossWalk from the standard McBIC service - including a couple who had been with CrossWalk at launch, but had soon migrated back to McBIC for a variety of reasons. Their return coincided with a stated new emphasis on prayer, as that was something that they were very passionate about and gifted in. He, in particular, took a significant role in encouraging us as a core team, and as a congregation at large, to put a stronger emphasis on really seeking God first, rather than trying to plan and figure our way out of things and then ask God to bless our plans.

One of the immediate results of this was that prayer, which had at first consisted of the standard opening "God bless our meeting" prayer, and then moved to some significant dedicated time at the end of meetings, became the first order of business at our core team meetings, and a place we went back to throughout. As this was going on, I was processing the idea of the Core Team retreat. Our pastor has family connections to a condo in Ocean City, NJ, which means we have a very low cost place to go for a winter getaway. Last January we had gone there, schemed and planned for a weekend, came back with a nifty little program that got everyone excited for a few weeks/months, and then disappeared. As I thought through doing a retreat again, I really felt like we needed to do one, but this time sensing God saying that we should keep the focus on prayer, and on really listening to Him regarding His plans and desires for CrossWalk were.

So, there's how this weekend's retreat was born. Tomorrow, onto some of the runup to the retreat...

Took me long enough...

Wow, 11 days into 2009 without a post. I've really been slacking.

Anyhow, this is just the blog equivalent of a "bump" (for the uninitated, bump = "bring up my post" and is a post that serves no other purpose than to move a topic to the top of message board by giving it the most recent post), because while I don't have the time or strength to get into it tonight, there will likely be some significant posting coming tonight. I was on a retreat this weekend with the "core team" from my church. In fact, I led the weekend. The retreat, the events leading up to it, and the aftermath were/have been exceedingly significant for me personally, and I believe for our church, and so I really feel like I need to lay them out and also use the blog to more fully process them myself.

The case of the missing Dew...

So, today was Tuesday, and as is my custom (okay, so it's not my custom, but I do do it quite frequently, either by myself or with a friend), I went down to the cafeteria in my building for "Taco Tuesday". On Tuesdays, they make a really big taco salad, which is really pretty good, and not a bad price for amount of food you get. It's one of the few foods at the cafe I both trust to be good, and am willing to pay for.

Since I was alone today, I got the meal to go, and headed back up to my desk. I went down to the soda machine on my floor (the fountain sodas at the cafeteria are massively overpriced, and I don't really want that much soda normally anyhow) to purchase a can of Mountain Dew. Now, given the title of this post, I'm sure you're all assuming you know what happened, but I'm betting you don't! You see, we've all had the vending machine malfunction where you either don't get a soda at all, or you get the wrong kind of soda. That is not what happened to me today. I put in my change, hit the button, and a can of Mountain Dew was vended.

However, it didn't quite sound right when it came down. The characteristic "thud" was lacking somehow, and when I picked up the can, I understood why. From its weight, it couldn't have been more than half full, if it was even that. More bizarre was that it was a sealed can, with no holes or leaks in it. Somehow, this can only received half (or less) of its allotment on the line, was sealed up as usual, and made its way to our vending machine, where a worker slid it in without noticing.

The can was unopened and intact, but it did have a few dents in it. Given the location and grouping, my assumption was that it was damaged in the vending process, without the soda providing structural stability as it normally would. However, there was no way to be sure of this, and let's just say a half-full, dented can of Mountain Dew is not something I was interested in trying out just to see if it was okay.

So, somewhat bewildered and out of available change, I walked back to my desk and showed off my discovery to my bemused co-workers. I put the can on my desk, where it will likely either ward off, or attract, evil spirts due to its mystical nature. Then, I got some more change, went back to the breakroom, and this time spent the extra money to get a 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew from the other soda machine. This is one where you can actually see the soda bottles before and as they vend. I think I may have trust issues with concealed vending machines for a while after this...

Saying farewell to a legend

This is about a week old, but it happened right before I went home for the holidays, and I just couldn't let it go without comment.

Last Tuesday was a sad day for Messiah College soccer. I'm sure most of you already know, but for those who hadn't gotten the news, Messiah's head coach of 12 years, Dave Brandt, announced his resignation, and accepted the job at Division I Navy. (Story here) Now, there is absolutely no bitterness here - Coach Brandt has proven beyond all doubt that he has mastered D-III, and if he desires a different challenge, I wish him all the best. I'm a Navy soccer fan as of last week, and I have no doubt that Coach will do many, many positive things there.

Still, I can't help but feel saddened for what Messiah just lost. I don't know Coach Brandt personally (other than as my racquetball instructor the fall semester of my senior year), and I only know his coaching from a fan's perspective, but what he did in his 12 years at Messiah is the stuff of legends, and it was made even more special by the way he did it. His early departure from Messiah, which keeps him from racking up the kind of career victory numbers that others have, is likely the only thing that will keep any discussion about who the best D-III soccer coach ever from immediately ending with him.

Let's do some quick rundowns, shall we: Messiah compiled a 246-26-12 record during Brandt's 12 years at the helm, averaging 20.5 wins a game. I don't believe any single Messiah team had won 20 games prior to his arrival. His winning percentage is the highest among any coach in NCAA men's soccer history. Messiah never missed the NCAAs in his 12 years, went to 8 Final Fours, and won 6 national championships, the most of any single school in D-III history. This is where it gets crazy, however. Often, in college circles, coaches aren't really evaluated until they've gone through 4 years, at which point every player on the team was recruited by the coach and the seniors have had 4 years in the system. Brandt's 4th year at Messiah? 2000 - the year Messiah won it's first title. So, in the 9 years that the team was "fully" Brandt's, they won 6 titles, and went to the Final Four 8 times. The most impressive stretch in there would have to be 2002-2006, in which they won 4 of 5 titles, including 3 straight from 2004-2006, and had a 5 year unbeaten streak in NCAA tournament play (the only time they didn't win the tournament, they were eliminated on penalty kicks in 2003, which goes in the books as a tie). Twice in Brandt's tenure, the team reeled off 31 consecutive victories, the 2nd including a perfect 24-0 season in 2005. By my quick math, Brandt's teams were a staggering 42-4-3 in NCAA tournament play. (Did you catch that? Brandt won more NCAA title games in his Messiah career than he lost NCAA games, period).

What made this all the better was how Brandt's teams racked up these amazing numbers. As a rabid sports fan of a variety of professional and college teams, I'm used to having to root for teams that exhibit behavior I don't particularly approve of, basically just conceding that to be part of the reality of sports. With Messiah, there was no such problem. I can probably count on a couple fingers the times that I was dismayed by the conduct of a Messiah player or team. Brandt's teams were crazy talented, but they were also disciplined, passionate, and sportsmanlike. They demonstrated that you could play hard, tough, and physical, but do so (largely) within the rules, and without dirty intent, even in the face of dirty intent from the opposition. Brandt coached an attractive, flowing, team-oriented system that is rather uncharacteristic of college soccer in this country, at any level.

I have little doubt that whomever takes over the helm of the Messiah men's soccer team will carry on all of these traditions, and do so with success, though likely not as much success as Brandt had. (Let's be realistic, even Brandt was unlike to match his first 12 years over the next 12 years, but who knows, really?) Coach Brandt's imprint will no doubt be on the program for as long as it continues. However, there is no question that the program has suffered a loss, and only time will tell us just how big it was.

So, Coach Brandt, thank you for the memories, and the best of luck in your new challenge. Go Midshipmen, and of course, Go Falcons!

Praying for spring...

Of course, given that today is only the 2nd official day of winter, that does seem a bit futile right now.

Man, it's cold, and I'm just not ready for this kind of cold - negative wind chills this morning.  I'm just thankful that Monday is the day I drive to work and park a few feet from the door, as opposed to the rest of the week, where I have to stand and wait for the bus.  I think had I been taking the bus today, I would have waited for the later bus, which takes a slightly different route which allows me to watch for it from my parked car and get out right as it arrives.  That wouldn't have been helpful this afternoon, however, because I can't do that from my building, and it was still only in the low 20s, and very windy at that time.

And I love my dog dearly, but if I have moments of regret regarding getting him, they are on days like today.  No matter how much I want to stay inside, I still have to take him out - or let him ruin my basement carpet.  These are the kind of days where the latter at least momentarily sounds a viable plan.

I'm not sure there's much that beats coming home on a day like today and stepping into a warm house - a luxury all too easy to take for granted (as I learned last winter during an overnight power winter power outage).  Well, yes, there is something that beats it, and that is coupling it with a nice steamy mug of hot chocolate, with a blanket over your legs and a warm, furry dog laying beside.

(But I'd still trade all of that for an early spring)

 

More mailbox adventures

You might remember my rant a while back about the parking habits of some of my neighbors around our development's mailbox center. It's not at all rare for someone to pull right up beside that thing, without really getting out of traffic, and also making it difficult for someone (me) who did the proper thing and parked in one of the visitor spaces right next to the mailboxes, to get back out. Well, today someone did something that had me longing for the good ole days where that was the most inane thing I had to deal with.

Let's start at the top, however. The eventual culprit pulled into the development right ahead of me as I came home from work. He slowed down almost to a stop going into the entrance, because there's been some recent digging done there and there's a bit of a ditch in the paving. (I'm almost positive that slowing down actually makes the impact worse, in this case). Then, predictably, he did the same at the speed bump a few yards further in. And after that, he preceded to inch his way along the road. Now, let's put this in perspective for you. The speed limit in my development is 10. And, while I don't always totally adhere to said speed limit and might be a bit annoyed by someone going exactly the limit, in order for me to rant about someone's slow driving, they have to be going noticably BELOW the limit. He was. So, I'm already a bit annoyed at this guy, and when he turns up like he's also headed to the mailboxes, I start thinking to myself "He's going to the mailboxes, and he's going to park right alongside them too."

I wish. There was this glimmer of hope when he continued on past the actual mailboxes, and then, shock and dismay. There are 4 parking spaces right beside the mailboxes. A car was parked in the one furthest from them. This guy stops his car across the front of the remaining 3, still squarely out in the street, and blocking my path to 3 perfectly good parking spaces, rather than parking in one of them. I was reduced to parking about half my car in the first parking space, and the other half in the "no parking" area between the spaces and the mailboxes. Let's just say I had some not so neighborly thoughts, but I bit my tongue, got my mail, and got out of there. It really boogles the mind though.

Still not going green...

but it's getting a lot harder to make that argument since I'm now carrying around a debit card with the word "GreenSense" and a picture of a tree on it, that was made from recycled plastic. I can explain, really!

I'm not going to run through the long story of why, but I decided last week that I needed to open a secondary checking account - a basic, no fills account to handle a relatively small amount of money. Given that choice, I was faced with deciding between any number of banks with various similar account benefits. Rather than spending a ton of time sorting through them all, I decided, as a loyal Phillies fan, to go with Citizens Bank, the official bank of the Phillies and the namesake of the Phillies ballpark. Go Phillies!

Once that decision was made, I was left with opening a "Green" checking account. That's the name of Citizens Bank's basic free checking account, the only one that doesn't require a minimum balance of any kind to avoid a maintenance fee. Once you have that checking account, the GreenSense program is a free option. What is the GreenSense program? Well, you agree to enroll in online banking and get electronic statements rather than paper. I do that with virtually all my accounts anyhow, because the paper is a hassle and online banking rules. Then, they give you ten cents everytime you pay for something out of your account without using paper (a check). That's right, everytime I use my debit card, or make a payment online, or anything like that, they give me 10 cents, up to $10 a month. So, I could opt out of the program, if I don't like being paid for things I'm gonna do anyhow.

This, by the way, is how "going green" should work. The program really isn't an incentive for me to be more eco-friendly, because I prefer to do the things I'm getting rewarded for anyhow, just for the sake of convenience. However, from the perspective of Citizens Bank, it saves them money to not have to send a monthly statement, or process a check, or other things like that. So, rather than just preaching the benefits of "going green", they pass some of that savings on to their customers in order to incent them to buy into those programs.

I think Amanda commented on my last "not going green" rant that it would be much easier to get people to "go green" if they stopped using that terminology and just started educating people on the personal benefits that many "green" decisions have, and I have to agree. The term has been stigmatized with a lot of people. I'm far too practical to be scared off of something like this just because it has "green" attached to it, but I know people that aren't. Of course, maybe Citizens Bank figures the number of people who would be attracted by the word is greater than those repelled by it, and they might be right. I, for one, will stand confident in the knowledge that I have a "green" debit card for my benefit, with collateral environmental benefit just being bonus!